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Posts Tagged ‘ego’

My current contemplation is how universal it is for all of us to want to feel good about ourselves and how we edit the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves to that end.
—Sally Estes

Covered in maggots, white and grey,
and tiny granules of poison. No one
wants to remember it this way. It doesn’t
matter if they were real or metaphorical.
The maggots did not wing into butterflies.
The poison was poison. You groveled
and cried. If we can’t be the hero,
we sometimes thrive on becoming
the narrator. It suits our pride. Say:
It happened in someone else’s staircase.
Say: I was younger then. Say: No, they
were ladybugs. Say: It was sand.
But you remember. They were white
and gray, the color of snow on the side
of the highway. Their bodies were soft.
And the poison, it pitted like small stones
into your knees, your bare knees.

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I am not fit to tend that garden yet.
Though I walk by it every day. Though it
is on my property. Though there’s a thriving
patch of shoulds sprung up around the fence.

The gate is twined in bindweed, green and dense.
The rows are long-since overgrown with grass,
oregano gone viral, clover, spears
of mullein, dandelion rosettes. I’ve grown

familiar with neglect, at times forget
it’s mine to cultivate. But there it is.
Last week, I stepped inside the disarray,
took one long look at shamed disorder, tried

to see a place to start, and quickly left.
I am not ready for that garden yet.

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How’s the dissolution going? –Joi Sharp

Flatten me.
Shuck me.
Dissolve
and melt me.
Disperse me
in the air.

Scatter me.
Shatter me.
Fling and
unmatter me.
Shred, slough,
shear, split, tear.

Loose me.
Reduce me.
Erase and
untether the
small self
who compares.

Help me
abandon
any hope
I’ll ever
arrive
somewhere.

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You can’t solve being human. We will have this affliction till the day we die.
—Jeannie Zandi

I tried to know it,
catch it, show it,
to splay its wings
and pin them—
to chart it, graph it,
plot it, map it,
quantify and reckon,
I tried to stuff it,
box it, pack it,
leash it to a pole,
I wanted answers,
wanted keys,
I wanted oracles,
and in came tamarisk,
rodents, dust,
whole rooms
of I don’t know,
a screaming child,
my milk dried up,
my fear devoured me whole.
Splintered, rumpled,
rankled, crumpled,
my all collapsed,
unplastered.
Undone, released,
exposed, relieved,
I flowered
utterly mastered.

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Today it’s the bread
that reminds me
how human I am—
how I want people
to like the bread
that I baked, how I hope
they can taste
the organic grain
that I ground myself
for the pleasure
of grinding it, sure,
how I can get the texture
just the way I like it,
but also for some small
way it makes me feel
as if I am a better person
because I have ground
the flour. Oh it is
so tricky, the way
I start to believe
that if the people I love
like the bread I bake
that they will like me more.
As if rye and winter wheat
have anything to do
with who I am.
But I do not despise
the bread for this. Its taste
is the taste of harvest,
sunshine and rain,
patience and earth.
The bread wants nothing
and nourishes despite.
Nor do I despise myself
for the longing to be loved.
Well, not much.
So human, I tell myself
to think we’re not enough.
Of course we’re enough,
Of course. Just as we are.
Still, I can’t help but wonder
if I made the butter, too,
well, then they might really,
really love me.

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Two Together

I want to write
my way out of this feeling.
The feeling wears its best leaden shoes.

*

Though she is a breath
made of stone, she notices
how yellow the jonquils.

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six

why prefer?
the piñata before the strike
or just after

*

mud puddle
only the moon
doesn’t jump in

*

though tattered
I clutch at them, these shreds
of who I was

*

knitting the last row
I consider unraveling
the whole scarf

*

the sun takes me
by the hand—the mountain
can’t be tall enough

*

not the song
that made us look up but
the sound of wings

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Pantoum for the Ego

Sometimes it’s hard to let things go.
They keep returning to the mind
like echoes in a narrow canyon—
hello, hello, hello, hello.

They keep returning to the mind,
these images, these pushy thoughts,
hello, hello, hello, hello,
like stones dropped into glassy ponds.

These images, these pushy thoughts—
like neighbors who keep knocking, knocking,
like stones dropped into glassy ponds.
And trying to stop them makes it worse.

Like neighbors who keep knocking, knocking,
these same darn thoughts, these same darn thoughts.
And trying to stop them makes it worse.
I give up, I give up, I give up, I give up.

These same darn thoughts, these same darn thoughts,
I’m, encircled by these same darn thoughts.
I give up. I give up. I give up. I give up.
Oh make them stop, please make them stop.

I’m encircled by these same darn thoughts
like echoes in a narrow canyon.
Oh make them stop, please make them stop.
Sometimes it’s hard to let things go.


*The pantoum is a poetic form from Malaysia that plays on repetition. Two lines, the second and fourth lines, are carried forward into the next stanza as the first and third lines. The poem ends by repeating the first and third lines from the first stanza, weaving them with the second and fourth lines from the penultimate stanza.

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