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Archive for April, 2012

Spring, how I love you,
this sun-giddy daze,
the light tangling low

in your aspen drupes,
and the new green, so pale
in the cottonwood trees.

Spring, your breath of
rain, your unruly wind, how you
shred my thoughts

until all that is left
is a woman standing
in the field.

Spring, your dandelions
already white globes in my yard.
Just yesterday they were gold.

I was gold once, too,
and though I would never
go back, oh Spring, how you

return and return, forever new.
I love you, Spring,
the candytuft white

beside the dirt path and
confusion of hummingbird wings
as they search for where

the red feeder was.
I too have lost something,
my way, was it?

Something I felt so certain of,
so black and white, it was,
it was just a month ago,

oh Spring, I’m so fuzzy now,
so full of, is it light?
oh, I don’t know.

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With their fangs
and drool and terrible
breath, how is it
I never noticed them before,
these demons grunging
around my desk.
Of course I pick up
the closest thing, a pen.
Ridiculous weapon. A broom.
They laugh as I charge.
I grab the butcher knife.
They gnash their terrible teeth
and they gargle their terrible spit.
I thrust, and one snatches the knife
from my hand and eats it.
Desperate, I sit in the center of the room,
take a deep breath and start to sing.
It doesn’t work with my children,
but I am ready to try anything.
I sing Finnish lullabies, chants to Shiva,
hymns and ohms and rounds.
They continue their drooling and farting
and burps. I am singing
to myself. There is dinner to be made.
A poem to write. Dishes to clean.
Kids to wash. Bills to pay.
All right, I tell them. If you
will not leave, then while we’re together,
you could teach me something.
And they slowly disappear.
It’s weird. They are gone.
Quieter now. One demon left,
but she is the most virulent of all.
I look at the dishes. I look at her scales.
I look at the computer. I look at her nails.
I remember that this is the point
where Milarepa , the Tibetan saint,
would have put his head
in the demon’s mouth. I don’t want to.
What if it hurts? What if his story
is not my story? This is my real neck.
This is my life we’re talking about.
And that rancid breath.
And those yellow teeth.
You think you’re so right,
says the demon. You think
you know even something small?
You think that I won’t eat you anyway,
your pride, your stories and all?
I try to build a wall
made of “I am so innocent, so right,”
and trip on my own self-righteous bricks
but I am too worn down from the fight
to catch myself from the fall.
And as I fall, the my separates itself from life
until life Is all I have.
And the demon laughs her terrible laugh
as I land with my head in her terrible lap.

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square of blue sky
I fold it into a bird
in the pocket
above my heart
it flutters

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Today it’s the bread
that reminds me
how human I am—
how I want people
to like the bread
that I baked, how I hope
they can taste
the organic grain
that I ground myself
for the pleasure
of grinding it, sure,
how I can get the texture
just the way I like it,
but also for some small
way it makes me feel
as if I am a better person
because I have ground
the flour. Oh it is
so tricky, the way
I start to believe
that if the people I love
like the bread I bake
that they will like me more.
As if rye and winter wheat
have anything to do
with who I am.
But I do not despise
the bread for this. Its taste
is the taste of harvest,
sunshine and rain,
patience and earth.
The bread wants nothing
and nourishes despite.
Nor do I despise myself
for the longing to be loved.
Well, not much.
So human, I tell myself
to think we’re not enough.
Of course we’re enough,
Of course. Just as we are.
Still, I can’t help but wonder
if I made the butter, too,
well, then they might really,
really love me.

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No surprise then,
the crash
the splatter
the moans
the tones
all splitting
from whole
to half
the silence
underneath
it all
the eventual
descant—
laugh.

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with Rumi’s quotes from Undressing, trans. Coleman Barks.

I have just pulled out
my best armor and scrubbed
it with Kroger oven cleaner,

the only thing strong enough
in my cupboard to pull out
the metal’s intrinsic shine.

It glitters as I step
into the tall, silver legs,
the breast plate shimmers

in the afternoon sun,
and Rumi walks into the room
and pushes me with his hand.

I fall like a pin, like a tree, like a woman,
and clatter and clang echo
all around the room.

“Learn the alchemy true human beings know,”
Rumi says. “The moment you accept
what troubles you’ve been given,

the door will open.”
I struggle to stand and he tickles me
under the arms where the armor

exposes my skin.
“Joke with torment brought by the friend,”
he says. I stick out my tongue at him.

I clatter and clank and fail to stand.
This time he sits on the wooden floor beside me
and motions for me to be still.

The armor is uncomfortable,
and his fingers so soft as he cradles my face.
“Sorrows are the rags of old clothes

that serve to cover,” he says. “Take them off.”
“But I’m scared,” I tell him.
“I’m under attack.”

He looks at the empty room.
I want to tell him about
the woman who stabbed

at my back today, stabbed
from a hundred miles away. And
the man who would eat me alive.

But the space grows bigger all around us,
inside us, and the armor, it disappears.
It’s as if it the armor were never here.

Nothing left. Not a clang,
not a clunk, not a screw.
I am naked in the open room

with the sunlight reaching through.
And Rumi, he is gone.
No one here but quietude.

And the long, long sword.
And the butcher knife. And a note
in Persian script:

“Welcome difficulty as a familiar comrade,”
Rumi has written, “And PS: That undressing
and the naked body underneath,

that is the sweetness that comes
after grief.” Goosebumps
rise on my naked arms, my belly, my chest.

A breeze goes over my cheek.
I do not reach for the robe
nearby, do not shrink

from the weaponry. I sit.
And doors I never knew were there
swing wide, wide open.

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There is a me you would not recognize, dear. They’ve taken their toll, these latter days. –Over the Rhine, “Latter Days”

Forgive me, I thought
I knew you. But that
was yesterday, before

you saw the milky flowers
all a-blossom beside
the dirt road. That was before

the two crows sat
side by side on the branch
above the open window

and sang their one-note song
for how long, how long, who
could say what it is that changes

us, but we adjust, we grow new.
It doesn’t need to be meeting
the minotaur or gorgon, doesn’t

need to be losing a daughter
or trust, or feeling the melting wax
of our wings as we begin to drop,

though these things, too, but
change might arrive with the scent
of a lavender candle,

the voice of a missing friend,
the black taste of rye,
the way the high clouds shred

to pink in the sky,
an empty park bench,
or a scrap of good news, who

can say how it is that we change
with these things,
but we do, we do.

My dear, I did not mean
to presume. You change, even now,
from the one I thought I knew.

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empty room—
through the windows
river song

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no blooms—
still, through a round door
sweet scent of peonies

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In Silence Haiku

wishing
different wishes on
the same star

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