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Archive for July, 2017

 

 

 

Don’t look in the sink for happiness.

It sounds so obvious. But even the shiniest,

cleanest sink is still only a sink.

Don’t look in the cupboards.

Don’t look in the fridge. Don’t look

to the tile floor—though this

is a place we’ve danced before.

Even the stovetop, the home of flame

and chemical change—the burners

are not what we seek. Of course

we look to the kitchen. The center

of everything. Don’t look out

the open window. Don’t expect

from the empty green vase.

The only thing that’s ever mattered

were the lovers in this space.

No matter how clean the counters.

No matter how soft the breeze.

It’s us, my love, it’s us that’s missing.

It’s us that we most need.

 

 

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empty space

at the dinner table—

a flower without its petals

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Don’t stop, she says,

and grabs my hand

and pulls it again

to her back. She

rakes it across

her skin and urges the nails

deeper in to scratch

some invisible itch

that she can’t reach herself.

 

In the thin light of vespers,

her face is more shadow

than shape. Still,

as my hand grazes

her skin, I make out

the place where her brow begins,

the jut of her nose, her angle of chin,

 

and she is no longer

nine years old, but some

timeless version of herself—

maybe thirty, or sixty,

or eighty-four, some year

when I am no longer

near to scratch

the unreachable spot.

 

The thought of it

makes me linger longer

than I normally do—

until her breathing changes,

until she is nine again,

her body curling

into her blanket,

her hand opening

into sleep.

.

 

 

 

 

 

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            for all the busy people

 

 

that’s when I hope you remember

the skylark, not so much the bird,

though that, too—how it sings

even while being chased by hunters,

though it increases its chances

of being caught.

 

But more, I hope you will think

of Johnny Mercer who struggled

a year to write the words

to the tune by Hoagy Carmichael.

By the time he finished Skylark,

Carmichael had forgotten

all about the song.

Sometimes, it takes a long,

long time before the words

come out right. Sometimes,

the moment just isn’t ripe. Sometimes

there’s just too much to do.

 

But perhaps amidst the meetings

and the plans, a snatch of song

will come to you, something

that won’t be ignored.

Perhaps between the papers

and the rush, you will feel it,

winging. Perhaps, as you fly off

toward the always what’s next,

you won’t stop yourself

from singing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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… one sector of the self can step in for another in trouble

            —Kay Ryan, “Why We Must Struggle”

 

 

Because the heart is a mess

I mop the floors. And shake

the rugs. And find homes

 

for all the knick knacks

and papers that clutter

the shelves. And when

 

the heart is still a mess,

I scour sinks. Then wipe

the mirrors. Hours go by.

 

The drawers are straightened.

Sheets and towels refolded.

Even the piano keys

 

are not sticky any more.

The filter in the fish tank

is scrubbed and changed.

 

But what does the heart care

for cleanliness? It walks

across the polished room

 

in its muddiest shoes

leaving gravel on the floors.

Shoves all the pillows off the couch

 

to make a cozier spot

for fussing, then spreads its troubles

across the counters

 

where they more easily

can be seen. Organizing the lot

is beyond me, but

 

I notice how,

between those muddled troubles,

the counters gleam.

 

 

 

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Oh yeah, I say,

ha.

I let you

sneak up on me.

I knew you were there.

I chose to wear this coat

of goose bumps

so you couldn’t guess

just how strong

I feel,

how fine.

 

Oh yeah, says the fear,

too scared to confess

you’re not as brave

as other people

think you are?

 

Oh yeah,

say the goosebumps,

speaking for themselves,

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

 

 

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double rainbow to the east—

I stand in the rain and watch

as its colors deepen—

something small inside me

grows brighter, bright enough

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One Agreement

 

 

wondering again

why did it happen—because

says the world, it did happen

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One Almost Lost

 

 

 

in a field of a hundred greens

surprised to find

I am still me

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darkening sky—

packing up the tent

and driving straight toward the rain

 

 

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One Together

 

weeping under the weight

of the burden, still grateful

to help carry it

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A piano is just

some wood and strings

until it’s touched—

and then it sings.

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I know it’s your job, to monitor the heart rate as it rises, the blood pressure as it falls. I know the gray-haired woman in the bed is another set of numbers with a name you’ll forget. She’s my mother. She grows tomatoes on her porch and has a song to sing for every occasion. She loves side stroke and chocolate and Japanese art. She makes the best poached eggs, and she knows exactly how to scratch my head to lull me to sleep. I know it’s your job to find the clot. To bathe the wound. To ease the pain. Thank you. Thank you for your hands as they slip the needle into her arms, the arms that gather me when frightened or cold. Thank you for your feet as they run down the halls to examine her heart, her heart that holds so many. Thank you for your art as you puzzle the why of her body, her body that knows itself as a vessel for love and prayer. She is praying for you, even now, as I do, and though you are just doing your job, thank you.

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camping at the edge

of the river, all night

I dream of thirst

 

*

 

asking a question

I don’t want answered—

earwigs under the tarp

 

*

 

waking to rain

on the tent—

no rainbows at 2 a.m.

 

*

 

give me a day

not measured in hours—

splash, spoke, step, flame, song

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Everyone you invite into your life,

ask them to invite

a friend—

then build in your heart

a room big enough to hold them all,

a kitchen large enough to feed them all,

and a host of intimate spaces

to meet them.

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Though you may not come home happy,

you do come home changed.

That is what the trip was for.

 

The door is the same. The handle,

the same. Same couch. Same lamp.

Same chair. But the one who opens

 

the door is not the same as before.

You can pretend if you want.

Most do: Act the old way until

 

they forget they are new.

Sometimes, the change takes charge.

Sometimes it invites itself

 

to dinner. And then breakfast.

By lunch, even the dishes are wondering

what will happen next.

 

(my son just returned from 10 days at camp–wow, what a difference 10 days can make!)

 

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Dave slips the wine thief

into the barrel and siphons

the young red wine. Into my glass,

 

he spills it and asks what I taste.

Pineapple. Pepper. Currant.

In another, there is cinnamon.

 

In another, sunshine and almond.

The thief dips again and again

into cab franc and merlot, syrah,

 

and grapes I’ve never heard of before.

They are all changing,

Dave explains. Come back again

 

in a month, he says, and they

will all be different. I think

of what a difference a month makes,

 

how the heart, like wine,

stays essentially the same,

only it’s ever transformed—

 

the notes it carries, innuendo,

the balance. At last, we reach

the barrel of white, Gewertzraminer.

 

In my glass sings pear and grapefruit and

summer still shy. Though it, too, is unfinished,

I could drink it all night.

 

All around us, inside us,

so much is changing. I tell myself

not to fear. There can be pleasure

 

in this art of change,

exotic and sweet,

a hint of rose petal, spice.

 

 

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Between

 

 

 

all morning

unable to untangle

what is real

from last night’s dream—

part of me reaching

back to massage it

into being, part of me

packing the lunch,

making the tea

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Unfinished Song

 

 

 

Tonight, I love you

the way the sky loves the moon,

the way trees

love their leaves,

the way loss

loves minor tunes.

 

Tonight, I love you

just as the sea loves the waves,

just as blooms

love their Junes,

just as welcomes

love doorways.

 

Don’t you hear

there’s a question in the air

and it smells like rain,

the rain that’s yet to come.

 

Can’t you hear

there’s a humming in the air

and it smells like rain,

the rain that’s yet to come.

 

Tonight, I love you

the way the earth loves the rain,

the way jazz

loves pizzazz

the way mornings

love champagne.

 

Tonight, I need you

the way the rain needs the sky,

the way blue

needs light, too,

the way questions

need their whys.

 

Don’t you hear

there’s a question in the air

and it smells like rain,

the rain that’s yet to come.

 

Can’t you hear

there’s a wonder in the air

and it smells like rain,

the rain that’s yet to come.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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for my father on his birthday

 

 

I learned from my father to be silly,

to speak in strange accents, to make up

odd lyrics, and to hum when I don’t

know the words.

 

He taught me how quickly a car can turn

for a rummage sale sign,

and how easy it is to find treasure.

 

He taught me always to have a plan—

a one-, a five- and a ten-year plan.

You can always change the plan,

he says, but you need at all times

a one-, a five- and a ten-year plan.

 

I learned that even the strongest people

cry and that ice cream can save a day.

 

He taught me to use a chainsaw, shoot a gun,

drive an ATV, and wear dresses.

 

My father’s eyes sparkle, something

no one can teach, but I learned

it was possible for someone to shine

from inside.

 

His poem about his father

would be a very different poem.

There are people who give to the world

what they were not given themselves.

 

My father taught me I could be anything,

then accepted me for who I was.

 

I learned I could fail and still be loved.

In every room I enter, I bring my father—

don’t be surprised when I can’t stop

giggling, when I ask you

about your plans.

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