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Archive for February, 2014

Everything? Really, Bill,
everything? That’s what you say.
“Cutting loose from all else.”
Of course I would want to forget
that line. Easier to talk about

being lost, the singing that rises
out of sorrow. But cutting loose
from all else? What would those
scissors look like? Imagine the size
of the blades. Snip. My house. Snip.

My family. Snip. My voice. My face.
My name. And then in come
the tiny scissors to cut the invisible
inner strands. Snip. My convictions.
Snip. My ambitions. Snip. My talents.

My dreams. Snip. Snip. With my lips, I say
I want to be cut loose. Meanwhile I wrap
myself in layer on layer on layer
of silken straight jackets and gossamer
shoulds. The threads feel familiar when

I feel them at all. And whose hand
would hold the scissors? And would
they cut them all at once? Or slowly, strand
by strand? See how I want to know.
Could I be the one who holds the scissors,

the heft of the handle, the ruthless
cutting edge, and then clip and clip
and clip and clip, every tether falling away,
my ears wildly alert for whatever
sounds might come.

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Weather Report

The night is long
and the song is gone
and the well is empty,
love. The well is deep
and there’s always
been more, but tonight
it’s been too long,
too long since it
rained, too long.
I’m so damn thirsty.
Nothing lasts, perhaps
not even this empty cup
this drought that seems
to have a foothold
in forever. I know enough
to know that I forget.
But it’s empty now
and the night is long.
Sometimes when the well
is empty, it’s the perfect
place to sing—the notes
spill over, spill
over themselves
and fill up everything.
But not tonight,
the song itself is parched,
and the well is dry
for so long that spiders
have spun their webs across
the floor, so empty
the moon doesn’t
bother, so empty
not even tears
come down.

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Not the full-coverage shorts. Not the black one-piece
with the ruffle around the hips. She wants
to expose some skin. She doesn’t care
for an instant who’s looking. Or who’s not.
She’s got flesh and she likes it that way.
A woman needs weight in the world.
Damn, she is getting hot just thinking
about the sun. Wild Rose finds a strapless bikini
in her favorite color, brilliant magenta.
Barely a bottom. Perfect. Another in hunter orange.
She plans to be swimming with sharks
and wants them to know she is there.
God, she loves shopping for bathing suits. She could
do it all day with that long tri-fold mirror
that knows she doesn’t give a shit
about who’s the loveliest of all, but how
could she not notice how great it is to have hips,
to have some real meat to swing around.

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Nine More Black Birds

every day
meeting the world
without a theory

*

to catch a crow
the Greeks set out a dish of oil, the birds
dipped their wings in a longing for company

*

all those dreams dead
and rotting beside the road—
great day to be a scavenger

*

why would anyone
catch a crow I say to my hand
as it grasps

*

these thoughts
so blue a crow
wings through

*

I put a scarecrow
in my thoughts, on his gray hat
a crow often comes to sit

*

five animals in Islam
can be killed with no blame
I don’t know the other four

*

okay, crow,
I say, let’s have it your way,
awe, awe, awe

*

listening to the crow
the whole world
is crow

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Not So Much a Question

What will it take to love you.
Beside the river, a white hood

of snow is draped on the dark gray rocks.
It melts in the afternoon sun.

What does this have to do with love.
I watch the snow as it disappears.

Even after ten minutes, it is too slow a process
to notice anything has changed.

What is there to say. There is
cold. There is warmth. There is

melting. And thirst. Beside me, an ouzel
bobs and bathes in the cold, cold waves.

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No Guarantees

It turns out I have loved
learning too much.
Star charts. Yeast. Omega 3s.
Tear fluid osmolarity.
Particle and wave.
I want so much to make sense
of things. Like why we have
so few words for smell.
Why only some birds sing.
Slave to purpose, slave
to the why, slave to the need
to know. I want to compare,
to contrast, to chart, to rank,
to graph, to prove. As if
that might tell me my place
in the world. So I pin down facts
like butterfly wings, splayed
and precise and dead.
Meanwhile the world expands, overflows,
moves beyond all that I think I know.
Let me live on questions. Let
me lose my absolutes. Let me be willing
to abandon my certainty. We are that
which breaks down the walls
of the learned—let me know this,
and unknow it, too.

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The truth doesn’t care if I try to hide.
It knows exactly where I am and what
I am doing. It is perhaps like the game

I play while walking downtown
with my daughter. She runs ahead
on the sidewalk, then tucks her body

into a breezeway between buildings.
I pretend I do not see. Vivian? I call.
Vivian? Yooo hoooo. I walk past her,

while looking the other way.
I know that she knows that I know
that she knows that I know where she is.

Here, truth, here I am, I could say. As if I could be
anywhere else. As if I am longing for it to call
out my name so I might run toward it,

my arms open, laughing at the very joy
of being found at last, the joy of knowing
I was never really lost at all.

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motherland2014

Hey Moms, come play! It’s free, but you do need to sign up!

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a collaborative poem written with Matt Hayes

The poet says there is no hurry.
Time has wasted its soul.
I thought I knew what time was,
a constellation out of space.
We are the constellation
destitute of truth.
I thought I knew what truth was,
but mind and heart cannot contain,
the cage breaks, the bird forgets it has wings,
it drowns in the emptiness of space.
I thought I knew what space was,
but comets gain.
We are the comets,
the goodness of space.
There is no hurry.

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Tonight while I am making paella,
my husband looks up from his book
and says, “Do you realize
we are made of more bacteria cells
than homo sapiens cells?”
The meaning of this is not lost on me.
It points to some truth that I long
to believe—that we are more other
than what we are. Which is to say
that this humanness is a glorious vessel,
what, with it’s ability to kiss and stretch
and lunge and leap, or for that matter
to skate ski through the meadow
as we did this morning, limbs akimbo,
as much flight as flesh, inhaling the mistaken
scent of spring … oh yes, the world was melting,
but the winter is not yet done.
I digress, which is surely more a homo sapiens
trait than one of bacteria. Though I do not know.
What I am trying to say is that there is less of us
than there appears to be. And more.
And all of it is utter miracle. Less
possible than ever to answer the question
who am I really. And more reason than ever to marvel.
That’s amazing, I tell him, as I crush
the red saffron threads in my fingers,
preparing to feed us all
the best that I can.

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that just happens to be National Wine Day

Again I sip the syrah,
all smoky and black cherryish
and try not to wish
it were sauvignon blanc
all pucker and grass.
But no. Each sip suggests
dark violet. Black hue.
And each sip I think,
well, it’s nice, but
oh for a hint of grapefruit,
nettle, passion fruit.
But the syrah is like
a lover who stands
in the center of the room
and slowly unzips his pants,
then waits. He knows
that thirst is a fact.
He’s ready now, but
the rising heat doesn’t
bother him at all.
He is not in any hurry.

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Sometimes
the sudden crescendo of luck.
The boy says, please
will you teach me
to play piano and there
is nothing to do except
say yes. And inexplicably,
where once was fidget
and fiddle and twitch
and squirm there is
sufficient curiosity for sitting
very, very still and learning
the curve of the fingers just so,
first against the silent bench and then
against the keys themselves,
and he names the notes as he plays them,
again and again and again; again;
e, d, c, d, e, e, e. The rising thrill
as it wakes in him, a rush
of understanding, the singing language
of the staves. Now the dark blots
are song in his fingers, melody
on his breath. There is never time
enough. But sometimes,
oh, the music falls out despite. Quarter
notes doing cartwheels
as if they’ve escaped
the pleats of time, danced
right off the signature and
played their way right
into the astonished heart.

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Again Again

Your prayer should be, “Break the legs of what I want to happen. Humiliate my desire. Eat me like candy.
It’s spring and finally I have no will.”
— Mathnawi, III (4391 – 4472), “Feeling the Shoulder of the Lion,” by Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

I was supposed to pray
for broken legs. Instead,
I prayed for a train to take
me anywhere but here.
Years went by. The train
never came. Rabbit brush
and salt brush pushed up between the rails.
So I thought perhaps I should
pray instead for a horse, but remembered
soon after that I am afraid of horses
and don’t really know how to ride.
So I prayed for car and felt
pretty clever that I remembered
to pray that it come with a full tank of gas.
But the only road out of here
is so muddy, so slippery, so steep,
so riddled with rocks
that any car would soon be stuck.
So I started to pray for strong, strong
legs to carry my weight and take me
far. And I began to walk and grew stronger,
and walked and felt fulfilled, and
the more I thought I was finally in control,
the less I thought I needed to pray. But nowhere
I went was a place that I wanted
to stay. I ran faster and faster
from here to here, out of breath
and dizzy from searching, feet blistered,
body weary, I found a new prayer:
Break the legs of what I want to happen.
Humiliate my desire. You know how it is.
I was still. And it worked for a while—
the sweet release of failure. And then, in the quiet
spring of surrender, the sound came
far off but clear, the whistle of the train
just coming through a tunnel
on its way to somewhere.

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How Long Can It Last?

They had razor-sharp teeth
and powerful jaws,
those words I almost
let charge out of my mouth.
They were looking
at your neck, your chest.
And then, with my hand
reaching to undo the leash,
I noticed through
the window how the juniper
is more silver than green.
It’s a silly thing, but
it stopped me long
enough to notice how
the silence, too, has
a silvery hue. And
for that second, I chose
not to fill it with gnashing.
Not the next moment
either. Suddenly, in every
moment, there is more
to notice. The words
follow my gaze and perk
up their ears. We all get
very quiet. None of us want
to miss a thing.

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standing inside
the life-size kaleidoscope
infinite reflections
of me
without you

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Before Breakfast

I know this sounds petty,
he said, and from across
the room I walked into
his pause

there was a long corridor there,
narrow and windowless, dim
with many doors. The knobs
were grimy from dust and lack
of use. And I walked and I walked.
There were no doors I wanted
to open. And I walked.
And the doors grew larger, or
perhaps I grew smaller, smaller
until I could walk right between
the door and the floor. And the hall
stretched on

yes, I said, my voice
so small even I could
not hear it anymore.

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In the loss
is a branch
with a brittle
stem
where an old
fruit hangs
rust-colored
and dried
beside
a tight cluster
of rose-tipped buds
where something
fragile
and white
is just
beginning
to form.

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shadow of a woman

March 6
Telluride, Colorado
Lost in Motherland: Writing to Discover Who We Are(n’t)
Wilkinson Public Library, 10 a.m. – 2 p.m.

Back by popular demand! Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer leads whole new version of this workshop, based on the same theme: Motherhood changes things. Amidst the blessings and the challenges, we transform. As one mother put it, “With my first child, I lost my interests. With my second child, I lost my identity.” How do we lean into motherhood’s paradoxical blend of miracle and loss? Writing can help. As James Pennebroke writes in Opening Up, writing “clears the mind” and helps us “understand and reorient our complicated lives” and “helps keep our psychological compass oriented.” What happens when we ask, “Who am I?” As Ramana Maharshi says, “The purpose of that question is not to find an answer but to dissolve the questioner.” What’s that supposed to mean? Come play. For more information, contact Paula Ciberay at 970-728-4519

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not once
did I think of you
okay, once

*

Because the brain
works in frames
I tell myself
I will not think
about the railroad stake
you pounded in the wall.
Oh. Too late.

*

Relax, relax,
I tell myself. lalalala
lalalalalalalala
I can’t hear you,
says my inner Rottweiler.

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Once connected, objects affect one another forever no matter where they are.
—Bell’s Theorem

I suppose, my dear, what Mr. Bell
was not trying to say explicitly, although
he surely knew it was implied,
is that you are forever stuck with me,
with my sake-drinking, poem-loving,
unable-to-fix-a-snowblower energy.
And by forever he means forever. Long after
our bodies are gone, whatever streams
of energy still go on, well, our streams
will be invisibly connected even after the sun
burns out and the earth is dimmed or blown to bits.
No decay or divorce or desire or distance will change it.
It isn’t of course that simple. Although it is.
Particle. Wave. Nothing basic is ever easy to explain.
Though somewhere in your individual electrons
you know it is true. I’m not trying to be creepy.
I’m just saying that some things we get to choose
and some things are already done.
Like the fact that we are connected forever.
Like the fact that Friday is Valentine’s Day,
and no matter who you are with or where you are,
we’ll be celebrating it together.

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