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Archive for February, 2019

The Dream Speaks

 

 

Some dreams are meant to wake us up.

Like the dream when the man approaches your car

and you roll down your window to ask him what he needs

 

and he speaks in words you don’t understand.

What? You say to him. What are you trying to tell me?

And he pulls out a chainsaw and thrusts it through the open window

 

and instead of recoiling, you try harder to hear

what he’s trying to say. What are you saying?

you ask him, still wanting to make sense of the man,

 

believing he has something important to teach you.

He is here to teach you some people are not safe.

And why is it your survival instinct is so slow to kick in?

 

At last you thrust the car into reverse

and swerve down the narrow road before launching

into the air and soaring, soaring away from the man,

 

somehow unsurprised when the car lands in a canopy

of trees. And you are unhurt in the arms of oaks.

When you wake, as you do, each time you try to return to sleep,

 

there’s the man again, his chainsaw reaching for you,

the evil snarl on his lips. Wake up, says the dream.

Not everyone can be trusted. Why is it so hard

 

to wake you up? How can the world support you

if you choose to stay with what hurts you,

if you don’t let yourself be launched?

 

 

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Every little thing she does is magic.

—The Police

 

 

through sirens, rush hour,

taxis, bright lights, windy streets

walks the Sierra Nevada

 

*

 

even in poor soil,

the yarrow thrives, excels

in beauty and biathlon

 

*

 

running with the half-wolf—

freedom

has six legs

 

*

 

a democrat and a republican

walk into a bar—

just sayin’

 

*

 

filling sippy cups

and playing taxi driver

the woman with several masters

 

*

 

places for adventure:

beach, mountain, ocean,

on the page

 

*

 

herbs on the rooftop

and their gardener both grow better

when sung Annie’s Song

 

*

 

two fine medicines—

So You Think You Can Dance,

bottle of wine

 

*

 

fixing the internet

and home audio system—

this tropical flower

 

*

 

every Wednesday

a democrat and a republican

go on a date

 

*

 

next chapter—

unable to read ahead,

she brings a lead rope to the cliff hanger

 

*

 

giant sequoia—

the longer she grows,

the more she has to give

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It took five days, but at last I thought of you, old friend,

friend I loved and wanted to trust, friend

 

who burned every bridge I tried to build between us,

who turned gratitude and apology to smoke, to ash,

 

who taught me that love is not enough—a lesson

I never wanted to learn, which is why I am grateful

 

you helped me to learn it.

No one gets through life without injury.

 

Still, I wanted to believe that a kiss and forgiveness

could make things better, but some things

 

are better left broken. Thank you for teaching me

that all passes, that even without a road, without

 

a bridge, without a track, the train of time

finds a way to keep moving, eventually

 

speeding by so fast that what seemed

unable to be overcome becomes a blur

 

and that hope gives way to something even

more beautiful: saying yes to what is real.

 

So though you will never know it, I forgive you

for your scissored words and sharpened

 

silences. I forgive you for giving up on love,

for saying no, goodbye. It takes almost no effort now.

 

Even uranium has a half-life—albeit 4.5 billion years.

How much sooner forgiveness has come. More like a lawn

 

that went unwatered and dried to brown, to dust,

but then when seasonal rains returned, turned green.

 

Yes, thriving and lush, here is the new lay of the land,

ready for anyone to arrive. Anyone. Even you.

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scraping snow

off the car windshield—

so, too, these frozen thoughts

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I wanted my love to avalanche,

and love said to me, be flake of snow,

 

I wanted my love to be tsunami,

and love said, be water in my glass.

 

Be crumb of bread, be scrap of cloth,

be ray instead of sun.

 

I wanted to be enormous.

Love said to me, be one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One Resilience

my heart a cottonwood seed

landed on rock instead of soil—

love says, time to trust the wind

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One Great Loss

—for Jack

 

 

such terrible silence

when the dog isn’t whining at the door—

the space on the dog bed empty

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Forgiveness 101

 

 

The first person I forgive today is myself

for staying up too late last night—how

I loved reading into the late hours, the story

 

crooking its finger at me, tethering me

to its pages. What good does it do

to call myself stupid, to lash out at the part of me

 

who thrives on those slender moments

when I am alone and the house is quiet

and I am the sister of words. No, better to tell

 

that late night reader that I’m tired.

Better to smile at her, though she thwarts

the morning me who loves to rise feeling rested.

 

She does not apologize. I know I will have

to forgive her again. Somehow, when I start

with myself, it makes it easier all day long

 

to practice forgiveness for others—

the slow drivers, the complainers, the bullies,

the pouters. They probably have happier,

 

calmer, more rational selves, too,

that they are also thwarting. All day I practice seeing

the heart of a person. All day, when I yawn, I smile.

 

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My brother thrilled to pummel and punch

that red-nosed clown again and again—

an inflatable plastic sack with a round weighted base—

 

and always the clown returned to standing.

Forty years later, I still don’t want to punch anything,

wish, instead, I could be more like that red and blue Bozo,

 

could roll and twist and spin each time

life knocks me over, and though I wobble,

though I bob, I would defy the laws of physics

 

return to standing, yes I would,

and find a way to smile.

 

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The snow was light and the moon was near full,

and the shovels skated across the drive.

 

The rest of the world was asleep

except for the shoveler and her shovels and the moon.

 

The snow was light and her thoughts were quiet,

quiet like leafless cottonwood trees

 

with branches that tangled with the forward moon.

There are nights when though we are alone

 

we are not alone,

nights when the darkness doesn’t seem so dark,

 

nights when our work feels not like work

and we step out of our homes, then out of ourselves,

 

and we are somehow unsurprised

by the way everything shines.

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Of Strangers

 

 

And so it is that kindness stays with me,

the way the woman in the store smiles at me

when she can tell I might start to cry.

 

I carry her smile in my pocket all day,

like a coin, something I carry everywhere

with no effort, but sometimes forget, and then,

 

when my fingers again find the ridged edges,

when I feel the weight of the coin in my palm,

I am struck by how something so small

 

carries value, carries meaning. All day

the smile stays with me. All day, I touch

it again and again, feel how its weight

 

tips some invisible scale, how I remember

again to say hello to fate and fall in love.

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One Stuck

 

 

I argue yes, no,

yes, no, yes, no, yes, meanwhile

the moon finds more light

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One Friendship

 

for Corinne

 

 

skiing into the blizzard

finding laughter in gusts and drifts

skiing out into sunshine

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for Amy Irvine

 

 

I didn’t know then we were lucky,

that day when we rode down the hill

on the sleds with our kids. They were cold

 

and crying and reluctant, and the hill

was small, and the thrill was mostly

missing. And I remember you saying,

 

“There will be a day we look back on this,

and think how easy we had it, how

silly we were to think this is hard.”

 

And I remember not quite believing you

as our children continued to scream and

whine, as we dragged them inside and

 

removed their soggy mittens and boots

and socks that had fallen around their arches,

as we made them hot chocolate and

 

talked in the kitchen about sleepless nights

and two-hour tantrums and the loss

of time to ourselves. How could I have known

 

that twelve years later, how sweet that looks,

how innocent, how fun, the kids banging

on the piano, their hands sticky, their faces bright.

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Nothing happened today

as I sat for five minutes in the dark,

but all day I could feel the everywhere of it,

 

even as the car was sliding sideways down the hill,

even as my daughter wept, even as my singing group

laughed until we cried, I could feel it still there,

 

the silence that holds up all sound, the stillness

that cradles all motion, the peace that supports

every disaster, the blue sky behind the clouds.

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Love Poem

 

 

in the snowstorm

finding the spaces between the flakes

where it’s clear

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We’ve heard the story of the woman

who lifted the car to save her child,

and though it is hard to believe,

 

it happens. Faced with saving a life,

we find the hysterical strength

to do what seemingly can’t be done—

 

I think of those women today,

and I think of my son, trapped beneath

the chassis of teenage torment.

 

It may not be a two-ton car, but it feels

no less urgent. We save a life in seconds

or we save a life in years—

 

of course I’d lift it right away

if such a lift were possible.

I’d hold that Chevy up until

 

he could roll right out from under.

Instead I try lifting other impossible things:

The crush of being misunderstood. The weight

 

of should. The press of daily surviving.

And I think of those mothers who lift cars.

And I bless them, and keep on trying.

 

 

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Dear friends,

After all, love is all that will save us. So here, a big bouquet of love poems — because it’s almost Valentine’s Day, but really, just because love matters.

Rosemerry

Big Bouquet of Love Poems

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Country Verse

I said I’d never love you,

I said I’d never change.

I said I’d never open up

those bolted doors again.

I said I’d never promise

something like forever,

well, goodbye what I thought would be

and hello, hello never.

 

Real Verse

I said I’d never write a novel,

only poetry.

I said I’d never wear a dress,

now just look at me.

I said I’d never curse the rain

no matter how bad the weather.

Well goodbye what I thought I knew,

and hello, hello never.

 

The Bridge

Yeah, never comes around much more

than happy ever afters—

life sure gets more curious

the more I meet my nevers

 

Food Verse

I said I’d never eat mayonnaise

no potato chips for me.

I said I’d never eat fried food—

too many calories.

But deviled eggs taste fabulous,

and French fries even better.

Goodbye skinny waist and thighs

and hello, hello never.

 

Said I’d never write a country song

well hello, hello never.

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The hope that is left after all your hopes are gone—that is pure hope, rooted in the heart.

            —Brother David Steindl-Rast

 

 

And so tonight when my daughter says to me,

Mom, are you Santa Claus? I ask her if it

would make a difference, and she says, Yes.

 

I don’t want him to just be a hoax for making

kids be good. And I say, I’ve never thought of Santa

that way. I think of him as generous. And magic.

 

And she says, But magic’s not real, and I say,

Some magic is. And she says, Well, it would

make sense. You always know what we want

 

because you’re the mom. And I tell her,

It is my great privilege to work for Santa,

and she says, What do you mean? And I say,

 

Well, you know, buying presents. And she says,

Why do you think he didn’t bring us a big present

this year, like he did last year? And I hear

 

in her voice, against all fact, hope,

the hope that lingers when hope is gone,

a pure hope, the hope that goodness is real,

 

that there is generosity beyond comprehension,

that some magic is real. She rolls over in the dark.

I keep hope rooted in my heart.

 

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