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Archive for June, 2024

and for hours we drive through clumps
of mountains called ranges, clumps
of cars we call traffic, clumps of homes
 
we call towns. We speak in clumps
called subjects as we laugh in clumps
called laughter tokens. And sometimes
 
we’re silent in a flexible clump called silence.
I think of clumps of grief and clumps of joy,
clumps of celebration and clumps of time
 
when I forgot to wonder what comes next.
How many clumps does it take to screw
in a lightbulb? How many clumps make a day?
 
Something so satisfying about the clump.
Humble as dirt on the roots of a tree. Natural
as tufts of wheatgrass in the field.
 
Creative as a clump of atoms that, when infused
with heat from the sun, become a petunia.
Clumps of words make a sentence. Clumps
 
of notes create song. Clumps of time
build a friendship. And what is peace
but a clump of moments when we choose
 
not to fight? What is age but a clump
of memories? What is love but a clump
of surrenders? What is now but a chance
 
to be alive in this wondrous clump we call our life?

for Art Goodtimes

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as if I swallowed
this morning’s double rainbow
all day, smiling through tears

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After years, grief now grows in me
as honestly as sedges grow
in the wetlands. As necessary
and as benign as fresh water.
As generous as the scent
of rain. I would not wish grief
away any more than I would
wish away the blue heron,
which is to say I now see
grief is an essential part of my biome,
how without it, other parts of me
would perish, how natural it is
to be saturated as I am by tears,
how abundant grief is, how alive.

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The whole house smelled
of ripening then the day mom
made apples into sauce.
The heat from the stove
made the small kitchen
swelter, and the autumn air
almost shined with the bright
scent of Jonathan, Pippin,
Winesap, Cortland.
Her arms were strong then,
straining to push the blushing
pink mash through the sieve,
slow and stiff with the effort.
Perhaps there is a language
somewhere that has a word
for this: the way something sweet
can linger, how it flows over,
around and through the body
like the cidery scent of apples
till it lodges itself in the memory.
Oh Mama, I want to serve this
sweetness to you now,
the memory of you stirring
with two good, strong arms,
the way you put all of who you were
into the smallest of acts,
how fifty years later,
what you did that one afternoon
still matters.
 

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The Vow

What if this is all we get of heaven?
                  —James Crews, “Small, Good Things”


And if this is it,
this night
with its scent
of lawn newly mown
and the undammed river
high in its banks
and the baby bunny
eating every pansy
I just replanted,
yes, if this is it,
this kind voice
that returns
to tell me
I am enough,
though mostly
I doubt such truth,
if this is it,
the penstemon
blooming purple
and cottonwood fluff
piling thick in every corner
and my desk a mess
with work I can never
hope to finish
and the loss
that is relentlessly sad,
if this is it,
then yes, I say yes,
I am here for this,
here, between the ache
and the sweeping
flight of the swallow,
here, between
the fallen tree
and the laughter
that won’t stay in,
I say yes, yes,
if this is it, yes,
I would do it all again.

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Hope, Again


 
 
I wanted to wear it,
this shawl of hope,
but today, it scratches
against my bare skin.
It is beautiful.
The kind of loveliness
that makes even
the plainest of wearers
feel beautiful just because
they wear it.
Hope is warm.
And the world is cold.
But today, I feel the call
for there to be nothing
between me
and the nakedness
of what is.
Even when I’m shivering.
Even when it hurts.
I want to feel
the slice of fear
because it is true.
And isn’t it strange,
when I let myself
feel it all,
then I can wear it again,
that beautiful shawl.

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How do they do it,
the marsh marigolds
rising out of the muck,
their bright white petals
and lemon yellow centers
seemingly unmarred
by dark swampy ground?
They grow, beautiful,
not despite the muck, but
because. Because slop.
Mire. Mess. Thick mess.
Squishy boot-sucking mess.
It’s what they were made to do.
Dear heart, how about you?

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I forgot, today, to be sad.
Perhaps, more truly,
the song of the hermit thrush
ringing through the alpine meadow
gathered me into its echoing
and lifted me out of myself
and landed me fully in the field
where the green corn lilies
reached up to my waist.
While listening to the thrush,
I forgot how things fall apart,
held as I was by the long
whistled song, haunting and rich,
flute-like and clear as it pealed
through the spruce, honest
as any church bell, urgent
as a gong, holy as a woman
set free by a song.

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The Promise

 

 
We need to be light for one another.
                  —Parker Palmer
 
 
I will be your candle,
your headlamp,
your fireworks, your fire.
Your light bulb,
your lantern, your sunshine,
your flare.
And your lightning strike.
Your neon sign.
Your firefly. Your filament.
Your glowworm. Your star.
Your laser. Your torch.
Your flamethrower. Your spark.
I remember the exact
dark moment I knew
I would devote my life
to being your black light,
your back light,
your flashlight,
your comet, your match.
Your moon. Your ember.
Your pulsar. Your lamp.
Your bioluminescent wave.
Your strobe. Your ember.
Your flame. Your blaze.

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If I told my teenage self
that one day I would sit
around the campfire
with six of the coolest kids
in school, she wouldn’t
believe me. But tonight,
if I could whisper into her ear
I would tell her to drop
whatever stories she’s telling
herself about who they are
and who she is and to question
why those stories scare her.
Because tonight, sitting
around the campfire
beneath striated clouds,
breathing in the scent of rain
I revel in how human we are,
laughing and crying and singing
along to “Love Cats.”
Perhaps it takes over thirty years
to develop a trust in gentleness,
but if I could whisper
into that girl’s feathered hair,
might she have been open sooner
to the ways we’re all the same?
It might not have changed a thing.
But even now, it feels so good
to shed my stories
the way tonight’s sky shed its clouds.
The whole world glowed then,
luminous with full moon
as if to remind me everything,
everything can shine,
Hear that, dear dark self?
Even something that’s been shrouded
for decades. Even that place
where fear felt like skin.
Even where the story
sounds like your name.

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