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Archive for June, 2024

and for hours we drive through clumps
of mountains called ranges, clumps
of cars we call traffic, clumps of homes
 
we call towns. We speak in clumps
called subjects as we laugh in clumps
called laughter tokens. And sometimes
 
we’re silent in a flexible clump called silence.
I think of clumps of grief and clumps of joy,
clumps of celebration and clumps of time
 
when I forgot to wonder what comes next.
How many clumps does it take to screw
in a lightbulb? How many clumps make a day?
 
Something so satisfying about the clump.
Humble as dirt on the roots of a tree. Natural
as tufts of wheatgrass in the field.
 
Creative as a clump of atoms that, when infused
with heat from the sun, become a petunia.
Clumps of words make a sentence. Clumps
 
of notes create song. Clumps of time
build a friendship. And what is peace
but a clump of moments when we choose
 
not to fight? What is age but a clump
of memories? What is love but a clump
of surrenders? What is now but a chance
 
to be alive in this wondrous clump we call our life?

for Art Goodtimes

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as if I swallowed
this morning’s double rainbow
all day, smiling through tears

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After years, grief now grows in me
as honestly as sedges grow
in the wetlands. As necessary
and as benign as fresh water.
As generous as the scent
of rain. I would not wish grief
away any more than I would
wish away the blue heron,
which is to say I now see
grief is an essential part of my biome,
how without it, other parts of me
would perish, how natural it is
to be saturated as I am by tears,
how abundant grief is, how alive.

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The whole house smelled
of ripening then the day mom
made apples into sauce.
The heat from the stove
made the small kitchen
swelter, and the autumn air
almost shined with the bright
scent of Jonathan, Pippin,
Winesap, Cortland.
Her arms were strong then,
straining to push the blushing
pink mash through the sieve,
slow and stiff with the effort.
Perhaps there is a language
somewhere that has a word
for this: the way something sweet
can linger, how it flows over,
around and through the body
like the cidery scent of apples
till it lodges itself in the memory.
Oh Mama, I want to serve this
sweetness to you now,
the memory of you stirring
with two good, strong arms,
the way you put all of who you were
into the smallest of acts,
how fifty years later,
what you did that one afternoon
still matters.
 

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The Vow

What if this is all we get of heaven?
                  —James Crews, “Small, Good Things”


And if this is it,
this night
with its scent
of lawn newly mown
and the undammed river
high in its banks
and the baby bunny
eating every pansy
I just replanted,
yes, if this is it,
this kind voice
that returns
to tell me
I am enough,
though mostly
I doubt such truth,
if this is it,
the penstemon
blooming purple
and cottonwood fluff
piling thick in every corner
and my desk a mess
with work I can never
hope to finish
and the loss
that is relentlessly sad,
if this is it,
then yes, I say yes,
I am here for this,
here, between the ache
and the sweeping
flight of the swallow,
here, between
the fallen tree
and the laughter
that won’t stay in,
I say yes, yes,
if this is it, yes,
I would do it all again.

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Hope, Again


 
 
I wanted to wear it,
this shawl of hope,
but today, it scratches
against my bare skin.
It is beautiful.
The kind of loveliness
that makes even
the plainest of wearers
feel beautiful just because
they wear it.
Hope is warm.
And the world is cold.
But today, I feel the call
for there to be nothing
between me
and the nakedness
of what is.
Even when I’m shivering.
Even when it hurts.
I want to feel
the slice of fear
because it is true.
And isn’t it strange,
when I let myself
feel it all,
then I can wear it again,
that beautiful shawl.

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How do they do it,
the marsh marigolds
rising out of the muck,
their bright white petals
and lemon yellow centers
seemingly unmarred
by dark swampy ground?
They grow, beautiful,
not despite the muck, but
because. Because slop.
Mire. Mess. Thick mess.
Squishy boot-sucking mess.
It’s what they were made to do.
Dear heart, how about you?

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I forgot, today, to be sad.
Perhaps, more truly,
the song of the hermit thrush
ringing through the alpine meadow
gathered me into its echoing
and lifted me out of myself
and landed me fully in the field
where the green corn lilies
reached up to my waist.
While listening to the thrush,
I forgot how things fall apart,
held as I was by the long
whistled song, haunting and rich,
flute-like and clear as it pealed
through the spruce, honest
as any church bell, urgent
as a gong, holy as a woman
set free by a song.

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The Promise

 

 
We need to be light for one another.
                  —Parker Palmer
 
 
I will be your candle,
your headlamp,
your fireworks, your fire.
Your light bulb,
your lantern, your sunshine,
your flare.
And your lightning strike.
Your neon sign.
Your firefly. Your filament.
Your glowworm. Your star.
Your laser. Your torch.
Your flamethrower. Your spark.
I remember the exact
dark moment I knew
I would devote my life
to being your black light,
your back light,
your flashlight,
your comet, your match.
Your moon. Your ember.
Your pulsar. Your lamp.
Your bioluminescent wave.
Your strobe. Your ember.
Your flame. Your blaze.

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If I told my teenage self
that one day I would sit
around the campfire
with six of the coolest kids
in school, she wouldn’t
believe me. But tonight,
if I could whisper into her ear
I would tell her to drop
whatever stories she’s telling
herself about who they are
and who she is and to question
why those stories scare her.
Because tonight, sitting
around the campfire
beneath striated clouds,
breathing in the scent of rain
I revel in how human we are,
laughing and crying and singing
along to “Love Cats.”
Perhaps it takes over thirty years
to develop a trust in gentleness,
but if I could whisper
into that girl’s feathered hair,
might she have been open sooner
to the ways we’re all the same?
It might not have changed a thing.
But even now, it feels so good
to shed my stories
the way tonight’s sky shed its clouds.
The whole world glowed then,
luminous with full moon
as if to remind me everything,
everything can shine,
Hear that, dear dark self?
Even something that’s been shrouded
for decades. Even that place
where fear felt like skin.
Even where the story
sounds like your name.

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I plunge my hands into the soil
and tug on the long white bindweed roots
that cling to the cool damp dark.
Never once have I pulled the whole plant.
Always, the bindweed comes back.
Once I might have longed for a weed-free
world. How did I not see the bindweed
for what it is—a chance to touch
again and again what humbles me, and
to learn with my hands the art of acceptance
so my hands might teach my heart.

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There Is This Moment


 
 
with the full moon rising
and a large bird of prey
gliding spirals in the sky
and my husband on my right
my sweet friend on my left
and the two-person band
transforming sorrow into joy
just by singing it in harmony
and giving the song their everything,
and maybe that’s what is ours to do—
to give ourselves wholly to a moment
as if we are the singers and life the song,
so I give myself to the low summer sun
and the dust on my feet,
to the pucker of lime
and the tears of my friend,
give myself to the ache that never leaves
and the relentless beauty that ever arrives,
and the more I give myself to the world,
the more the world rushes in
and says home, home, home,
you are home.
 

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One Momentary


 
 
running barefoot
past the end of the pier—
before the splash, flight  

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I recall how dad gave me glass vials
and encouraged me to go to the lake, take samples,
then bring them back to the house
where he’d taught me to use a glass dropper
to put a small bead between slide and slip,
then focus the microscope
to spy on all the life pulsing there—
thin oblong shapes and zooming dots,
spinning green circles and segmented strands—
it was like eavesdropping on adult conversation,
like being given the key to enter life itself,
and I, an eager traveler into invisible realms,
spent hours staring into that intricate world.
Memory is, sometimes, a chance to meet
a drop of the past, then wonder about the world
beyond what we first see. I thought this
was a memory about lake water, glass slides,
a microscope. I look closer. I see trust.
Pulsing love. A father teaching curiosity.

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Time Travel


 
Slipping alone into the pond is like slipping
deeper into the world—how alive every
inch of skin is then—as if I’ve slipped
through an hour glass and
swum into the timeless
self
and my father is here, my
son is here and in half an hour
I live a lifetime surrounded by blue
damselflies, opening to the bluing sky and
goodbye is not a word I know, only hello, hello, hello.

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Sometimes I crawl inside
“What a Wonderful World”
where I am cradled not only
by the lyrics and the velvet
of Armstrong’s growlsome voice,
but also by my father who loved
the song so much that now,
almost three years after his death
the tune has become his arms
and each note carries some trace
of his love so that by the time
Louis croons “oh yeah” at the end,
I am moved in the same way
the wind moves a dead flower
across the field.
I am one with the leaves
and the roses, the skies
and the cries of the babies,
one with the love that stays,
one with the pain my father
was in in and one with the pain
of loving anyone whose death
leaves us feeling both empty and full.
In his last hours, Dad said,
“From our birth to our death,
the wonderment.”
I curl into that wonderment.
I sing along.

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After Many Weeks of Sun


 
 
I woke to rain,
in love with rain,
and the rain made its
soft rain music on the roof
and I listened to rain
in the rain-soaked dark
until my dreams were rain
and my waking was rain
and the morning was rain, rain, rain—
scent of rain in my lungs,
shine of rain in my eyes,
and the green song of rain in the grass,
and I gave my whole self to the rain
not thinking of anything else I had lost,
only rain in my thoughts,
only rain until I thought of you
and then somehow you were the rain.  
 

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Long after the Avengers have obliterated Thanos
and Ant Man has saved the Quantum Realm,
after the Vibranium is secured by Wakanda
and the Guardians of the Galaxy protect the universe again,
the Russo brothers return to the silver screen
with their newest hero, WordWoman, disguised
as a middle-aged mother and wife.  
She wields a pen. A journal. A library of slender books.
No one would ever suspect she could be a hero,
least of all her. Heck, she can’t even keep the rodents
out of her garden, much less root the evil out of the world.
Audiences yawn as they watch her sit at her kitchen counter
in her slouchy sweater and wool slippers. For hours.
“Where’s the action?” someone shouts as he gets up
for another bucket of buttered popcorn.
That’s when Stan Lee shows up as the UPS man,
shocking everyone, and he delivers her a copy
of Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet. Cut to the next scene,
she’s in a black pleather bodysuit wearing lots of mascara,
a dark ponytail high on her head streaked with silver.
She’s ripped and ready to do what it takes to make peace.  
“Was that Neruda?” someone whispers in the front aisle
as she slings poems, one after another,
stunning her enemies into silence.
“I think Amichai,” someone says. “Or Shihab Nye.”
When the movie is over, most people are grumbling
that superheroes just aren’t what they used to be.
But in the back, perhaps, a young girl is scribbling
words on a napkin. She’s ready to save the world.

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How scared they were that first day,
the ones who had never before put their faces
into the cold blue water of the pool.
Goosebumps rose on their tiny limbs,
mine, too, as we shivered in the shallow end.
I’d take their hands and we’d move in a circle,
Ring around the rosies—
Their little voices rang out with lisp and shine.
Pocket full of posies—
scent of chlorine and sun screen and
Ashes, ashes, we all fall—
 
Years later, afraid of a much different
deep end, I notice who is holding
my hands. Sometimes we sing
while we meet what we fear.
It makes it easier as we all fall down.

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The Welcoming

for Moudi
 
 
With an open umbrella, he met me
in the rain having walked barefoot
to the place where I’d parked.
He handed the umbrella to me.
 
In the warm bright home,
he offered me a soft, dry chair.
He served warm bread wrapped
in a green and white cloth
 
and his partner sprinkled zatar
and olive oil on the labne.
The kale salad was crisp
with sweet chunks of beets
 
and thick creamy slices of avocado.
And in the warm, rich stew
offered to us in a rounded pot,
the eggplant disassembled itself
 
alongside chickpeas and tomato.
But before we ate, he served us a story
of a place where people begin a meal together
with spontaneous singing of sorrow and praise.
 
What stopped me then, while I sat at his table,
from singing? So I sing now,
of sorrow that I let my fear of singing it wrong
be louder in me than the urge to sing.
 
I sing of praise for the second chance.
I sing a prayer for the courage to learn
how to sing a new song, and the chance
to sing it again. And again.
 

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