Inside me, two birds
with silver wings beat frantic time
against the cage—
I expand and collapse,
expand, collapse,
but the bars don’t break
perhaps I can make
just enough space to fly out—
their wings are so, so tired.
Sky Practice
August 18, 2011 by Rosemerry
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The title on this one is the gem for me, especially as it enlightens the poem. I think the metaphor of a cage inside is not so fresh, but you do a couple things to freshen it. For instance, the expand and collapse stanza has energy beyond the metaphor, a sense of movement. And it echoes so well that phrase, “frantic time.”
I want to get the “I” out of the poem to see how it flutters. I can do that quite easily in the first two stanzas, but not sure how to negotiate the third:
Inside, two birds
with silver wings beat frantic time
against the cage—
expand and collapse,
expand, collapse,
but the bars don’t break
but bend perhaps
with just enough space to fly out—
their wings are so, so tired.
Without the “I” the poem speaks more directly to the experience, freshens that metaphor, because the reader has to orient as to where these birds are coming from. I don’t know. Just as idea.