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Archive for January, 2018

Fencing 101

 

 

 

It starts as tag. The instructor

tapes off a strip in the room—

the piste—and my son and I,

confined by the long bounds,

chase and reach for each other.

But the person who’s it

keeps changing. “Left,”

says the teacher, and I am it.

I lunge for my son’s arm, and

“Right,” says the teacher, and

I retreat as fast as I can,

my son now charging for me.

“Left.” “Right.” “Left.” “Right.”

We learn quickly to hold

our weight low, to keep

one foot forward, to allow

distance enough to tag

and not enough that we might

be tagged back.

The game is familiar. I flush

with young joy. Later

we learn to extend

our arms before we lunge,

to advance, to retreat,

to allow just the right distance

to strike, to not be struck.

The instructor gives us

a string to hold between us—

our goal is to keep the curve in it,

not to let it go too slack, too taught.

My son and I dance

forward and back, keeping

step with each other.

both of us smiling, both of us

serious as steel. When it’s done,

we shake what would be

our ungloved hands.

We have learned just enough

to know there’s so much more

to learn. As we leave, I feel

it still between us,

an invisible string, linking us

in this odd game of love,

the world our piste,

one hand always ready to battle,

the other hand, ever vulnerable,

ready to open, to reach,

to meet the other

with devastatingly effective

tenderness.

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One Wonder

 

 

 

the boy who fit in my lap

now taller than I—

an oak from a geranium seed

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Eating Dinner with

 

 

What gave numbers their power was the very act of naming them and writing them down.

            —Amir Aczel, “The Origin of the Number Zero,” Smithsonian Magazine, December, 2014

 

 

Imagine, says my friend, before 700

there was no zero, which means

before that there was no concept

of nothing. In my bowl,

there is only a bit of squash soup left.

I add some salt, take a small bite.

There is less. I remember reading

that numbers exist outside

the human mind. Not like

a John Deere tractor that’s invented.

Not like a sonata that’s composed.

I take another bite of soup.

it is warm and tastes of apple

and thyme. I try to imagine it,

not knowing of nothing.

What would I have said

was in my bowl now that

the soup is gone? What

would I have thought

was in the chair beside me

here where you are not?

How would it change this

all that is, not comprehending

this all that is not?

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For an hour and a half, my son and I

create emptiness. All those places

where there was snow

on the drive and the walk,

we shovel them until there’s a long,

sinewy swath of absence.

It is deeply satisfying,

this moving of matter

from one place to another,

creating a path, a way.

When we are done, we lean

on our shovels and revel

in what is missing. We high five

and smile and feel as if we’ve really

accomplished something together.

How oddly full I feel

after this effort of emptying.

How many paths in me

are waiting to be exposed?

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Across the country, blizzards—blizzards

so big that folks speak of bombogenesis

while standing in line in the coffee shop.

 

And the snow begins to fall, snow

blocks out the sun, snow fills the roads,

the drives, the sills until people begin to forget

 

who they are when there isn’t a storm.

Imagine the storm goes on.

Imagine that it isn’t snow falling,

 

but forgiveness. Imagine all those people

rising morning after morning to find

themselves buried in compassion.

 

Piles of it. Heaps of it. Giant white drifts of it.

It must be dealt with before anything else

can happen. Before people can even

 

walk out the door, they must lift it

and move it and feel its surprising weight.

Who knew there was so much of it? Who knew

 

just how completely it could shut things down

if not engaged with properly? It takes some time,

perhaps, before the people see

 

how beautiful it is, how every single thing

it touches is softened, turned to sparkle,

turned to shine. A disruption, to be sure,

 

but sometimes it takes a blizzard

to find the calm. Sometimes

we must be stopped

 

before we learn how to go on.

And the colder it gets, the more

we must work to be warm.

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One Winter Concert

 

 

beside the pond

the barren willows suggest

silence is another way of singing

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January 8, 2018

 

 

 

A hundred years ago today

Mississippi became the first state

to ratify the eighteenth amendment,

the prohibition of alcohol.

And as I sip my sake,

I toast them—

not because I think

they were right,

but because I have a glass

in my hand and the sake

is dry and cool, tastes

of plum and pear,

and I am in the mood

to drink to everyone,

to our health, to our bliss,

to our rights to our own opinions,

and to whatever it is in us

that makes us believe

that we might do something

to make the world

more wonderful,

misguided and lost

though we are.

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Over time, the body,

when bitten enough,

can build up a tolerance

to mosquito bites

so that they no longer itch.

 

Then—though you might

be bitten a hundred times

on each arm

and again on each leg—

you won’t be bothered.

 

This comes to mind

when you walk in the store

and see by chance the person

whose words and glares have bitten you

ten thousand times before.

 

Shit. You forgot your long sleeves.

But this time, when you leave

the coffee aisle where you’ve both

been perusing the dark roast,

you notice nothing.

 

Nothing at all. No rise.

No ire. No welt. No itch.

No need to swat. No need to scratch.

Nothing at all. And you laugh

and wonder if the laugh is disguising

 

a pain response, but no,

you’re just laughing

because you’re proof that sometimes

after having been bitten enough

a tolerance comes—

 

and it doesn’t happen often,

but it happens. Call it grace.

Call it luck. Call it paying your dues.

Whatever it is, it feels so good

you may never cover up again.

 

 

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Years after the ten-word lesson in impermanence,

the truth of the words still comes to me—not always,

of course. For instance, not today as I skied with my daughter,

the sky relentlessly blue. Not as I folded the sourdough loaf,

the dough soft and stretchy in my floured hands. Not as I walked

up the driveway with my son, backwards, doubled over

in laughter. No, it never occurs to me when I am

at home in my gladness. Only later it comes, when thoughts do

what thoughts do—insist on forever, long for assurance, hope for more.

But always, buoyed by joy, enabled by bliss, the truth comes

to me, not like a pin in a balloon. Not like a shriek in the night.

Not like a thorn. More like a friend who is always there to hold

my hand and squeeze it as if to say, yes, that’s right,

it’s hard to let go. Still, there’s so much more to love. See

that chickadee at the feeder? See the shape of the river?

Note the color of eggplant’s skin? Come. See how the sky

stirs with purple and pink? See, it’s still lovely now

that the purple is gone?

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One True Friend

 

for Michelle

 

 

dipping her spoon

into all the light of the day—

offering me the first bite

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