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Real Love


                  for Mom and Dad on their anniversary
 
 
Mostly I remember them holding hands. 
Not swinging over rivers filled with crocodiles.
Not passionately kissing on the edge of a canyon.
Not jumping from planes, though they did scuba dive.
I remember them peeling and chopping 
thirty pounds of carrots they bought bulk
so they can freeze them. I remember them
cleaning the boat. I remember them stopping
for rummage sale signs on Saturdays and sitting
in the back row of the church on Sundays
and sitting on the couch holding hands
on most days. And even so Dad isn’t here
today on their anniversary, he is here. 
I remember how they shaped each other with their love
in an everyday way, year after year after year,
then offered that love to me, to the world. 

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There is the moment when the woman 
is deciding what to make for dinner—
a tofu curry with beet greens from the garden?
Or maybe guacamole with all those avocados
she bought on sale. When she reaches 
for the greens, that’s the kind of moment
when a Greek goddess doesn’t appear beside her
and shake her head as if everything depends
on the woman choosing the guac. 
Something wonderful about a choice 
with so little consequence. Red socks or blue? 
The low green vase or the clear vase from Finland?
The woman has read about the butterfly effect,
trusts a life—in fact all of civilization—is built 
on every smallest choice and inaction.
But tonight there is peace in the way she presses
water from the tofu, then slides the white cubes
into the pan. Six seven, as the kids would say.
The scent of turmeric fills the room. 
If a goddess were to show up, she’d probably
just ask for a glass of sauv blanc and join
the woman for a bowl of curry. They would 
sit at the kitchen table for hours, laughing
as the cats chase each other across the room,
talking about the three-hour movie they just saw.
Tomorrow, the choice. But tonight,
the goddess nods at the sunflowers on the table.
“I like your low green vase,” she says.  

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The Fall


 
There is a slip of time before the foot
missteps and twists and breaks, that moment when
the bone’s still whole, the woman still upright. 
And from that slip, well, then there’s only after. 
 
After, when the bone is cast. After,
when the child has left. After, when 
the callous words can’t be unsaid, the missing
ring can’t be unlost, the train can never
 
be unmissed. And now, and now, and now
is both before and after and a tip-
ping point on which we cannot pause or stand.
 
But if we did trip off the tip of time,
what would we find beneath it all? A chance
to play in the infinite? Or would we simply fall and fall and fall?

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One in the Garden

 

 
so soon the pink dahlia petals
begin to shrivel and dry,
and look at these hands 
that cut away what is dead,
they, too, are dahlia

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The way the cellist smiled at the first violinist,
that is the way I want to smile when I die, 
a joyful smile that says, “I am all in on this song;
and here, let me now toss the melody to you.” 

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I know I like to keep my secrets close. It’s who I am. 
That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Doesn’t mean 
I don’t appreciate it when you plant larkspur 
and roses, lavender bushes and apricot trees, 
as if you believe in investing in a world years from now. 
Of course, I appreciate the way you call your congressmen
to tell them about the world you believe we could live in.
I love every time you put a letter in the mail with a stamp,
every time you learn a new skill or make a ten-year-plan. 
How beautiful you are to me when you dream.
It’s lonely here, of course. Everyone always coming toward
but never arriving. I’m not complaining. 
Being the future has its perks. Like infinite potential. 
Like hope. I know it’s hard sometimes to believe 
you will ever get through this. But haven’t you learned by now
that just because you don’t see the way forward
doesn’t mean they way doesn’t exist? 
That is the only promise I can make you, sweetheart.
You can’t see the path. But here it is. 

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It felt so good to walk in the rain, 
to walk in the rain and not put 
on the raincoat I’d carried for 
over ten miles, to not put on 
the raincoat and let the rain 
soak into my sleeves, my 
shoes, my thoughts, my 
words, let rain soak in 
and realize with each 
squishy step each 
soggy word what 
a gift it is to not
always protect
myself from 
the world.

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Five Years Ago


 
 
Everyone else has gone to bed. 
A boy and his mother sit 
at the table in the house
they are renting for a few 
more days. They are familiar
the way my eyes are familiar. 
He sees a large cockroach 
climbing the wall, and when 
his mom squeals, he gets up, 
grabs it, throws it to the ground 
with youthful efficiency, 
then smiles at his mother, 
a tender smile that says, 
I like taking care of you, mom. 
But the boy is not happy. 
Soon he is crying. His eyes
are empty, colorless, black. 
Then it is only the mother 
sitting at the table, her 
empty hands full of fear,
uncertainty, lack. Why 
do I return to this moment,
knowing I cannot change
what happens the next day?
The closet. The gun. The choice.
I go back to slip my hands beneath
the mother’s empty hands, 
making for them a nest,
then sneak up the stairs to the boy
in his room in his bed in his pain,
and though I know it will not change 
a thing, I whisper in his ear, 
there is nothing you can do 
that will keep me from loving you.   

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Cool rain is falling through sunshine today
and the canyon’s red walls are radiant
with the contradiction. The world
smells of dry earth mixing with sky,
a rich and generative perfume
that weaves into all that grows.
Witnessing the beauty of this day,
equal parts clear and stormy, 
this is how a person might come to trust
the acute aliveness we feel  
when we dance with both sorrow 
and gladness at the same time, 
one partner asking us to crawl, to bow, 
the other bidding us raise our arms 
to twirl in joyful abandon. In the distance,
thunder. In the foreground, the swallows 
are ceaseless in their swirling.
They do not try to avoid the raindrops
nor do they shun the sun.
On the inside, a feeling loops and dives, 
swoops and circles back. It says, 
This life is not easy. What a gift to be alive. 

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In the Noticing

Quiet as a rabbit
nibbling on grass, 
obvious as a flicker
knocking on a tree, 

surprising as a white feather
landing on my tights,
again and again, 
you appear, or more truly, 

again and again,
I see what has 
always been here—
you in everything,

your absence 
throbbing with life.

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Coming Soon!!

It’s almost here! On September 8, my newest book will be released! You can join me for a pre-release party hosted on zoom by Kayleen Asbo on Saturday, August 29, 6-7:30 p.m. mountain time. Donations accepted. Recorded. 

You can pre-order the book from my local bookstore, Between the Covers, and I will personalize it for you (there’s a comments section at the final checkout for you to say who you want the book signed to). Order before September 12 when I go in to sign the books. The bookstore will ship your book to anywhere in the US the next day. 

And European friends, you can also join me for a special European zoom launch with The Poetry Pharmacy on September 24 at 6 p.m. in the UK (11 a.m. mountain time) Tickets available with or without a book purchase. 

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When we met,
we had no idea
how we all, like
this land, carry 
inside us 
the memory 
of volcano
and glacier.
How easily we
can be fooled 
by the present
landscape, 
calm and serene.
Just because
there are spruce 
here now and 
gentle streams
doesn’t mean 
there wasn’t once
a violent explosion
of fire and ash, 
a long and cold 
scraping of ice. 
Here in the aftermath
of upheaval,
in this ongoing story
of transformation,
I see how our hearts 
have been carved wide 
as this high alpine 
basin, and even
in the places where 
nothing yet grows,
my god, it’s 
so beautiful.

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By night, the mountain gentian
closes the dark purple vase of its petals,
tightening around its most vulnerable parts,
protecting its nectar from cold night air,
from heavy dew. Everything is at stake. 
 
Oh woman who longs to stay open, 
to ever unfold, to widen your arms
in an ever expansive reach, 
what do you have to learn 
from the wisdom of wildflower, 
from the natural systole and diastole
of open and close, open and close?
 
How might your own growth
depend on learning to wrap 
those well-intentioned arms
around your own center 
and tuck in to that primary,
essential embrace? 
 

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One Mirroring

We are in it together,
this certainty we are alone.

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After Years of Rushing

Today

more fen

than stream,

I draw

my source

from depths

unseen.

No need

to move,

how still,

how clear

am 

I.

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for Lacy, Ellen, Jessi Lu and Lisa
 
 
In the darkness, Lacy points us toward two stars
stacked in a vertical line just above the horizon. 
She teaches us to see the parallelogram
of a celestial teapot, then guides us 
to find the spout which empties out
into the very center of our galaxy.
Naked, we stare at the distant milky glow
and know in our bones the center is not, 
in fact, light years away, but right here
in our wood-fired hot tub in the middle 
of a meadow with mountains all around.
Or wherever women commune, says Jessi Lu.
Yes, this is the tea cup right here, a cup
overflowing with laughter, tears, stories,
heart, and an ancient swirl of glittering stars.
 

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Re-Seeing
 
 
This morning I saw my hand and marveled—
the smoothness of the finger pads
like sandstone eroded by centuries of wind,
the wrinkled cords between the pointer
and the thumb like cottonwood roots rising
out of the ground, the fine wrinkles in the knuckles
like thin braided strands of spider silk, 
the splotchy spots of white below the plush heel,
like small puffs of morning clouds in the desert.
This hand that has held weeping children 
and planted beets, scraped cat vomit from the carpet 
and carried river stones to build a home. I stared 
at this hand I have known my whole life and wept
for the sheer miracle of hand, how even the most 
familiar, intimate parts of ourselves, the parts we take
most for granted, have the most to teach us about 
gratefulness, about how to see and meet the world. 


—Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

*

Hey friends, I will be away for four days, teaching remotely in the glorious San Juans at High Camp Hut with no cell, no wifi, and lots of spaciousness. I’ll be back with poems on Sunday night. In the meantime, if you are jonesing for poems, you can find them on my blog (a backlog of poems from the last 12 years or so): A Hundred Falling Veils. 

Or, you can subscribe to the Ritual app on your phone and there I read a poem every day (twice!) and offer ways to think about it and also optional writing invitations. You can find that on your phone here (there is a small fee to subscribe): The Poetic Path

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The cantaloupe was golden 
beneath its raised veins, 
the globe of it heavy in my hands,
its musky perfume filling the hot 
summer air at the farmstand.
 
When I handed the woman my money, 
I was paying her not so much for this melon, 
but for the memory of other melons
we have shared when I moaned my delight,
the sweet orange flesh deliquescing 
in our eager mouths.  
 
This melon was no such melon. 
Though we waited and waited, 
when I sliced in and offered you a bite,
we both agreed the flesh was a bit too hard, 
the flavor sweet but a little flat. 
A fine-enough melon. But not a melon
for rhapsodizing or writing an ode.
 
I think of Grandma Betty, how 
in her later years it didn’t matter
what you served her, she would always declare, 
This is the best pie I ever had. 
This is the best tea I’ve ever had. 
This is the best. The best. 
 
This is not the best cantaloupe I have ever had, 
just a substandard stand in for ecstasy. Yet here I am 
writing an ode to this mediocre melon, learning again 
how my longing for something to be different from what it is
can destroy any joy found in what is here. 
Somehow, this fine-enough melon is bringing me to my knees 
at the altar of the moment, humbling me, inviting me to question 
how I choose to meet the world. 
It is, perhaps, after all, the best melon I have ever had. 

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Now that I know for certain she will leave me, 
I dare to love her more. Her room will be empty.
The house no longer filled with her music. 
The spilling trills of her laughter too far away to hear. 
I have known since her birth she would leave me, 
but knowing is different from feeling, and her absence 
comes so soon. At the same time the heart lets her go, 
lets her go, lets her go, it leans in closer, becomes a sanctuary 
that knows no walls, a nest as wide as the world. 
At the same time I release her, I fall more deeply in love 
with the way she croons to her cat, with the feathery softness
of her skin, with how a song is ever winging from her lips. 
I welcome it, this ache. These tears were always meant 
to be cried. This heart was always meant to break. 

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There in the church of poetry
beneath fluorescent lights
on a makeshift stage, 
one naked heart
after another came to the mic
and through words and breath
they turned wound into blossom 
again and again until the evening
became a giant bouquet
of the unbearable being borne.
It is a terrible gift to make beauty 
out of suffering,
and this is the gift we most need.
But what stays with me, too,
was how each time a poet was called up,
a woman in the middle of the audience
with a voice made of equal parts
midnight and salve
would croon low and smooth, 
Let’s go, poet. 
Each time she spoke it, 
she made a red carpet out of sound, 
a generous path for the poet to step onto.
Each time, she spoke it, 
I felt my whole being soften and open
through the alchemy of encouragement. 
This, too, the gift we most need—
to dare to turn toward
what makes each other bleed.
This, too, transforms wound into generous bloom, 
the gift of hearing and hailing,
honoring each other’s humanness, 
saying yes, I see you, I see you. 

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