aslant
the freezing rain
turns sleet—
on the trail
laughter our boat
*
speaking
all my secrets
to the pebbles—
the gray spider
eavesdrops
*
once pulled
from the stem the petal
will never again stick—
in my hand
bare sunlight
September 25, 2012 by Rosemerry
aslant
the freezing rain
turns sleet—
on the trail
laughter our boat
*
speaking
all my secrets
to the pebbles—
the gray spider
eavesdrops
*
once pulled
from the stem the petal
will never again stick—
in my hand
bare sunlight
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged friendship, poem, tanka, unity | 2 Comments
The second surprise is my favorite, though the concept of three in a row is a good one. I think the first one starts off with the right kind of energy, the second softens the arc. The third one, ah, it’s okay, though the surprise seems tucked away too deeply in the wordplay at the end with the word bare. That the petal can’t be stuck back on the flower seems more obvious to me, not in keeping with the secret motif.
but, ahh… i thought “third time’s a [stronger] charm,” preferring the third. no, the petal can’t be put back where you found it, but lo-o-o-o-ok… in the solitary, now-isolated petal: so much sunlight. the first and last seem surprises based on shifts in perception; the second, the reveal of an eavesdropper. (and speaking of which, does the narrator ever know the spider was there, seems possible, not so, which adds a nifty layer.)