after reading up into the silence the green by e.e. cummings
Cold is the
(hold me)
wind and
sharp is
the barb
exposed
and
(hold me)
sour are
the words
that flew,
and slow
(hold me)
is the ache
to leave.
It’s cold
love
and though
it won’t
change anything
it would
feel good
(the dark
is near)
if you’d
just
for a
moment
(hear
the train?)
hold me.
Powerful….
i like how you both follow and play with the cumming’s poem. (i’d argue cummings plays with his poem, himself.)
further, i’d say you’ve taken something of someone else’s and made something of your own.
i have a suggestion. just after the penultimate parenthetical phrase, i’d change that next line to, “if you,” discarding the contracted, “would.”
I like that switch from the interior (hold me) to the exterior hold me, just like cummings does with (kiss me), but it’s also fun to read the exterior poem without the parenthetical.