Beside the moss
beside red rock
we walk, we walk
to the falls and talk
and long, long after
you have gone,
the empty space
you left near me
walks on with me
walks on.
April 22, 2014 by Rosemerry
Beside the moss
beside red rock
we walk, we walk
to the falls and talk
and long, long after
you have gone,
the empty space
you left near me
walks on with me
walks on.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged partnership, poem, poetry, walking | 4 Comments
I like the sound of this one as it flows, which is perhaps why I notice so much how the closing doesn’t seem to flow for me. That word “I” seems wrong, the “…left near me and I…” followed by the we. I almost want to read it like this:
the empty space
you left near me
walks on and on.
though I know that could imply you are not walking beside it. Not sure what to suggest, but there’s something oddly ungrammatical about the closing.
you are so right. I changed it nearly as you suggested … though you are right, I really do want the sense that I am walking with the absence. i think I fixed it. Thank you for putting your finger on it, I couldn’t quite figure out what was wrong, though it was staring me in the face.
Yeah, so much of the rhythm of the poem holds with the walking. Here’s another version to play with that on and on phrase:
…The empty space
you left near me
walks on with me,
walks on.
Yeah, I really like that version!
Xo r
On 4/24/14, 9:23 AM, “comment-reply@wordpress.com” wrote:
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