How does it do it,
the skin of ice—
it holds our weight
we who skate
in circles around
the frozen lake.
Though it groans
and cracks,
it holds us,
this solid ground
made of what
is not always solid.
Is it too much
to hope that we, too,
might sometimes
be able to hold
the weight of others
with such clarity,
such polished grace?
Our skates carve
unreadable cursive
into the surface.
Below us, clouds blossom
in the ice—bouquets
for days such as these
when everything
seems possible,
even improbable strength,
even falling through.
Our skates carve/unreadable cursive/into the surface. At this particular moment, “unreadable” is feeling like not quite the right word, to me. I do like its meter and how it allows the consonance of, carve and cursive. Still, in a poem of wonder, hope, and support, it feels “off” to me, this word of negation, an opposite of, “clarity.” All that’s coming to mind as a replacement is, inscripted—which isn’t an actual word, I fear. (“Inscribed,” is the actual one.) “Wonderful” seems to work, meter-wise (even though it’s one syllable shorter); but it feels too blah, too plain, too playing-it-safe.
“Chiseled”, maybe?
“Transitive?”
“Cyrillic?”
“Elated?”
Arrrgh. Nothing comes to me that’s four syllables, that matches the meter. “Incredible,” has four, but it also has the same problem as, wonderful, as does, remarkable.
“Transubstantial?” (Nah, too stiff, too academic.)
“Ethereal?”
“Reliable?”
*sigh* Perchance if I sleep on it, an answer will await me on the morrow.
Thank you, friend, and you are right, it sounds good but its meaning is off … I will think on it, too … Happy New Year!
From: “comment-reply@wordpress.com” Reply-To: Date: Monday, January 1, 2018 at 12:07 AM To: Rosemerry Trommer Subject: [A Hundred Falling Veils] Comment: “Only Four Inches Thick”