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Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

Tether

 

for Corinne

 

 

It is muddy, the road,

and steep, and that feels,

somehow, just right today

as we walk with no sense

of destination. You tell me

your dreams. I tell you mine.

By accident, I find myself

holding the string of your hoodie—

the long blue ribbon has swung

from your waist

into my hand, and somehow

it becomes just enough

of a lifeline for me to weep,

as if this thin connection

to you is enough of a tether

that whatever in me

has been trying to be strong,

can crumple.

Sometimes we don’t know

just how much we need each other

until, by chance, we find ourselves

strangely connected. Umbilical,

we are all each other’s children.

As we walk, we see the spindrift

of small avalanches misting at the end

of the box canyon. Such dangerous beauty.

Something inside each of us longs

for this kind of release.

We walk on, and talk and listen.

Each time I take hold of the string,

I begin again to weep. There is no shame in this.

We reach a turning point—

though it is arbitrary.

On the way down,

you take my hand

and we swing our arms with our gait.

When we let go,

I feel in my hand where your warmth has been.

All day, I feel tethered.

All day, I remember

how beautiful it was,

the snow as it fell

through the cliffs.

 

 

 

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Start with a lime, a lemon, a blood orange,

she says, then slice the flesh into a cup.

Smash it. Add whiskey. A shot. Or two.

Top it off with hot water. Add honey.

 

I do everything she says. I sip it

from my favorite cup, the one

with no handle. The persistent cough

does not stop, but with every sip

 

I hear her laughter, I think of how her eyes

flash when she’s feeling mischievous.

The red drink flares in my throat.

It tastes like friendship, like love.

 

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for Heartbeat, oh my god do I love you women

 

 

each time we sing

I forget everything

except the original joy

of being one small voice

in one great song

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Into the Dark Again

for U and E

 

Dark and getting darker—

nothing to do but to make of the body

a home for darkness,

to open every secret drawer

where we hide our private darknesses.

Who knows what might happen then?

How immeasurable we are. It is only

terrifying until it becomes freedom.

Grace comes in the strangest costumes.

Did you really think you didn’t need help?

This night, stay awake.

Some things we can see no other way.

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wanting to be your lifeboat—

so different from simply

being your lifeboat

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Quietly

There is snow

all around us now

and no tracks leading

from the house

into the wood,

into the white—

Please, I need

to walk in snow

and have beside me

you, there’s something

that the winter

wants to teach us,

I don’t know

what it is, but

it’s not only about

the cold, not only about

the way that some things

seem to disappear.

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Oh Geppetto, I could have told

those real boys always break your heart.

It always starts as a dream come true.

They cannot help it that they are real.

Oh the real girls, they’re no better,

all of us with our built in yearnings,

our essential fragilities.

I would not have tried to dissuade you.

A real love is better than one with strings,

regardless how strange and scary it gets.

Still, I would have loved to have warned you.

Not that it helps. Just because

sometimes it’s better to face

what is real together.

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Of course I know I am going to die

I know it the same way I know

the sun is dying, too. This is a fact,

that feels far away. All the same,

I carry it with me today as I notice

how the new summer growth

on the spruce is startlingly blue.

And the river, low and clear, wears a shimmer

in its song. Every flower in the bed

is fully in blossom, and the meadows

are lush and green. I know they will die,

as I will die, though all of us seem so wildly

alive in this moment, especially the bindweed

I pull from the garden as if

there will be a tomorrow

with plants that need space to grow.

I speak to the reaching tendrils of beans

in hopes of a harvest,

though there are, as of yet, no white blooms.
I tell them frost will come soon.

When Donna’s letter arrives on my screen,

I am just stepping in from the garden.

It was unexpected, she says.

In her letter, I swallow a hint of what else

is as real as the green all around,

and in me ripens a deeper hint of blue,

a hue that reframes so tenderly

these fleet shades of the living.

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Even though I know you don’t read poems,

I want to thank you for calling me last night

when your living room was too big for one,

when all the ex-lovers were somewhere else

and even the kids were gone. Thank you

for calling me to say how alone it is.

For half an hour, we were alone together,

weeping and laughing in our separate rooms.

Just tonight I realized I do not know how gravity works.

Something to do with mass. And distance.

How much of what rules us do we not understand?

The vase falls and it breaks. We know that and learn

to be more gentle with our hands. It’s more

out of habit than true understanding. Our loneliness,

too, is a kind of a rule that we spend our whole lives

trying to change, but it is always there.

Eventually we come to see that everything

will be taken from us. Our aloneness is all that is left.

It is only frightening until it is not. Then it frightens us again.

Thank God we are here to explore it together,

this alarming lack of anything to hold onto.

When we say goodbye, it is gentle. We both know

what it feels like to break. There is too much at stake

not to love each other, alone and distant as we are.

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I may never see you again.

I’m not trying to be morbid,

it’s just true. But that’s not

the reason I hug you so long,

so close. It’s just because

it feels so good to hold you,

your arms in my arms,

your laugh so familiar,

my smile so real, so unhidden.

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two women swimming
naked with each other
nothing to hide—
mud puddles turn to oceans
and the water’s still rising

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My son cuts the rhubarb while I
hull the strawberries. We sing
scales and talk about hacking.
That’s a lot of sugar, he says,
as he pours the measuring cup
into the mixing bowl. I think
of all the things I wish I could sweeten.
Just today, I kept returning
to the same bitter views.
It was like touching a bruise
to be sure it still hurts.
It still hurts. I think about how
the Dalai Lama might tell me,
go ahead. Pick up the burning coals
and throw them at the man
you think deserves them. Of course
the only hand to get hurt is mine,
but all day, I reach for the coals,
even now as my son and I
turn our talk to growing things.
This summer, we’ll harvest
our own rhubarb stalks after waiting
for three full years. I try to turn
my thoughts toward sweetnesses.
My boy. The honey of singing.
The way that the ground brings forth
what is green and vital,
year after year after year.
The pie fills the house
with a wonderful scent
as it bakes, the marriage
of sharp and sugar. You can’t
bake a pie without fire, I think.
I leave the coals where they are.

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for L

This morning, waking up, I’d forgotten
how yesterday we dug a ditch between us.
I was walking to your door, when I almost fell in it.
Already it’s become a canyon, deepened
by forces I don’t understand. There are rapids
swirling in the bottom, and I don’t know how
to make it across. Can you hear me on this side
calling your name? In the eroded cliff walls,
I read the record of all that’s been lost.
I wonder how much farther down
the canyon floor might go, wonder how
we’ll ever build a bridge. Or learn to fly.

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An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything.
—Lynn Johnston

I wanted her to apologize,
told myself I needed it.
She gave me a blank page.
A silent room.
A heart wildly aware
of its own beating.
If she had any inkling
how rich these gifts have been,
how much more abundant and spacious my life
has become,
I think
she would have
apologized.

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for Michelle

On a snowy hill
with the sky soft gray
and the wintering sage
all scrubby and dark
we wandered in circles
around the white knob
and spoke in circles
sage and gray, about
the dark and what is soft,
we were not lost, just
happy to be wandering
inside a snowy afternoon,
we found our own footprints
and stepped in them again,
though already we were not
the same women who’d made them.

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shingle, wood panel,
tile, brick, folded arms, silence—
for every wall between us
there is also a hidden door
waiting for one of us to open it

*

at our fingertips,
there is always some new cell
of infinity blooming—
a blank page always ready
for our story to begin again

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When the bridge is gone, the narrowest plank becomes precious.
—Hungarian Proverb

The bridge is gone, after all,
dismantled and then burned,

out of spite or for warmth,
I could not tell. Perhaps both.

I suppose that eventually
the termites would have gotten it.

Nothing lasts forever. I know that.
But I wish you had left

something more than a pile
of ash, some other way I might

cross over and meet you today.
As it is, the ravine is too deep

and steep to cross without a bridge,
and the ridge goes on in both directions

as far as I have ever walked.
Sometimes I imagine wings, but

we both know that is just imagining.
Perhaps if I look hard enough

around the site where we
constructed the bridge long ago,

I could find just one narrow plank.
Sometimes I forget the metaphors.

I practice just picking up the phone,
dialing your number, saying Hello.

But then I remember the curling smoke.
And I put down my ideas

and tell myself it’s better this way,
though already I have forgotten why.

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I don’t really want a stink bug
infestation in your home. And I don’t
really want your full cup of coffee
to spill on your open book. Not really. I don’t.
I don’t want to see you trip on your
ego’s huge feet. Don’t want to hear
that you have some strange rash
that makes your skin beet red.
And your new car, I’d hate to hear
that a surfeit of skunks had their kits in there.
I’d hate to hear that you had shrunk
that dress that looks so good on you.
And I don’t really want to hear that you
are sorry for all those things you said.
About me. I could care less. Really. It didn’t
hurt at all. I don’t really want to hear
the phone ring if you are on the other end
calling to say let’s be friends. No I don’t. Not at all.

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all those walls
we built around our hearts
let’s tear them down
and reuse the bricks
to build bridges, stepping stones

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for Jack, who wonders if locusts are next

I’ll send you organphosphate chemicals, perhaps?
It takes only a small, concentrated dose in an aerial sprayer.
But the possible side effects are gruesome and I cannot imagine
the karmic debt for this kind of slaughter—80 thousand
locust adults in each square kilometer. No.
If the swarm comes, as it often does as part of a series
of misfortunes, well, there is nothing to do then but to make
the best of it. Locusts are, after all, protein rich. And not terribly hard
to catch. In Swaziland, they use large nets, then cook the whole
bugs on a bed of embers. Once done, they remove the heads,
wings and legs, and dine on the roasted breasts. In Botswana,
they boil the bodies in water to soften them before they fry
the locusts in fat until they are brown. Best served
with mealy bugs. And in the Philippines, they serve locusts adobo,
slow cooked in soy sauce, garlic, vinegar
and bay. It’s a fine dish, they say, for travelers.
It is terrible, this longing to help someone when you know
there is nothing at all to be done. Death. Illness. Fragility.
We wish we could ease the loss. But when the locusts come,
the locusts come. And you know the flood might be next.
That’s when you might wish you’d dried a few of those Acrididae.
They have a long shelf life, years, and the dried legs are relished
for their pleasant taste. Or so they say. I haven’t tried.
But I so want to help, to say something more useful
than “I’m sorry.” “That’s tough news.” “I will keep you in my prayers.”

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