Dear Friends,
I have never felt such an infusion of love. And I have never needed it more. Thank you.
This is the most difficult time of my life. My beautiful, beloved boy, Finn Thilo Trommer, killed himself on Saturday, August 14. He would have turned 17 on September 11.
As I wrote to one of his mentors earlier tonight:
“It was something I have known about Finn since he was born. He carried inside him a deep unease, a lack of peace. He expected so much of the world—he wanted everyone to be as dedicated and as 150% as he was. He shined so brightly, I believe, because he had to summon that much luminosity just to meet the darkness that was ever inside him. And so although the inner struggle is what eventually killed him, I refuse to vilify it, because it is also what shaped him into the radiant and magical being he was. He lived such a big, rich, full life. He gave everything. Everything. He was a comet. Astonishingly brilliant and then gone. I pray every day now that he finds the peace he never had in this life. I pray that peace finds him. That he feels what it is to know no lack. To know his own beauty and sufficiency.”
In fact, I pray this for all of us–that we may all know for a certainty the love that supports us, that is all around us, that is us. I pray that we may all know beauty and communion with the world, with each other, with the divine. I pray for us to know and practice love, to choose it in every moment.
I am so grateful for all the notes you send. I read each of them, and as I read them, I thank each of you by name. I am sorry i cannot respond to you all personally, but please know that your love is sustaining me. I don’t know how anyone would ever meet this heartbreak, this devastation, without a tsunami of love.
I have been deep in a cocoon of grief and love. This weekend I will celebrate the wedding of my wonderful stepdaughter to an amazing man. In the meantime, I am protecting this tender, raw space in which I am able to meet grief so nakedly, in which love is transforming me in the most astonishing ways. I am being rewired, rewritten, remade. It is the most unwanted and powerful gift I have ever been given.
It will be a bit longer before I resume the daily poems–I am not ready yet to have any commitment beyond meeting each moment. I want to experience every second of this, to feel it all, and it is taking all my energy. But soon there will be poems to share. They are shaping me, helping me meet this most heartbreaking, heart-opening time.
If you pray, please pray for the peace of all who do not know peace–pray for my son and for anyone who has been unable to find peace in an enduring way.
I have never been more certain that love is everything. Everything. It matters so much how we treat each other, how we treat ourselves. I am so grateful for you, friends.
Love,
Rosemerry
Such a beautiful expression of your love. Thank you for sharing, even now in this time of greatest sorrow. You are truly amazing, Rosemerry.
Dark and getting darker…
I so love you Rosemerry. And, that makes me but one drop in the tsunami of all the others who also love you. You and your family are not alone, albeit you are needing time to be so. Take this time.
Rosemerry, my heart breaks for yours. There are so many unknowns in each life, but each life regardless of duration contributes to all those it touches – and children shape their parents in so many ways, including through dying. I lost my son to brain cancer a year ago and though left with grief and aching to ask him a jillion things, I am mostly overwhelmed with gratitude that he was in my life, that I loved him and he loved me. He chose to not pursue radiation and chemo that would have granted him another 6-9 months, feeling called to “just go” – your son perhaps likewise felt called to expedite his exit – a choice to be honored – as you have in this touching post.
I am so so sorry for this aching, wrenching loss. Thank you for sharing what pain you are in and focus on your and your family’s navigation of such deep waters.
Heartbreaking news dear Rosemerry. I am praying for you and your family.
May you know love
May you know kindness
May you know strength
May you know peace
May you walk through the world with ease
Even in your grief you are offering us and the world the most amazing love – such a gift you have. May love surround and sustain you, and peace come to you in the fullness of time. I am certain it already has for your dear son.
You are amazing. I want to be part of the tsunami of love for you.
You, my friend, are loved and held.
You are brave.
You are kind.
You are a light – even in the darkness.
Love and Namaste
i read your poems every morning to start my day – i have been struggling with the slow death by anorexia of a friend. your words have changed my perspective: “ I refuse to vilify it, because it is also what shaped him into the radiant and magical being he was.”. thank you. 🙏🏻
sending you peace and thanks for the beauty you share with us each day.
Dearest Rosemerry, I add my love to the infusion – for you, for Finn, for all who love you and your family. May you each find peace in this time of unspeakable grief. I hold you both in my heart. Thank you for your gift of sharing with your wider family. in love and sorrow, Janice
I am so so sorry to hear this . May you and your family and everyone who knew Finn be surrounded by love. And may his memory be a blessing. –Amy Irish
Dear Rosemerry, words fail, as you already know. The anguish of the confluent delight in Finn’s life, and total body wrenching pain of his loss, the confusing flood of all the feelings at once, especially ones that we don’t mention (like anger, desolation, frustration, etc.) seem sometimes more than one can bear. But you already know here, how much you loved and that we are with you to the extent any of us can be. Much Love, Alex
Oh Rosemerry. My heart is breaking for you! I will keep Finn and you and your whole family in my thoughts and prayers. Please know I am sending so much love ❤️ To all of you and to all who are feeling hopeless and do not feel the love that surrounds them.
Oh dear Rosemerry, Your spirit is so strong and wise! I pray you will feel the enveloping arms of Finn around you. I know you will. xoxoxo
I’m happy to serve as ears and heart to receive your beautiful words about Finn, life, and love. Know that you are heard. Sending back one tiny piece of the tsunami.
a loss so profound
no words can console
but words we must write
Dearest Rosemerry,
Though words cannot really express all that my heart want to tell you in this time of terrible grief. Please know that I am sending love to you and your whole family. Through the collective words expressed here, we are holding hearts together, weaving the gathered love into a big container in which to hold you like a hammock of care. May it allow you to lean back with a deep sigh, and see your dear Finn shooting across the heavens of your heart, streaming sparks of beauty around him, which will land across the universe as seeds from which more beauty will grow. I can feel the small roots already tumbling in my heart. I love you dear one.
Your daily poems have always helped me pause, think, grow but today as I was catching up from a few I missed, my pause turned heavy with such sadness. You are an amazing woman who has always shared her soul through her poems. May you continue to find the courage to keep going and the strength to face the grief that surrounds you. Thank you for sharing your pain with the community that loves you.
Dear Rosemerry, from one mother to another, may you know how closely I am holding you, Finn, and your family in my thoughts, prayers, and heart. Sending you peace and surrounding you with grace during this most difficult time.
My dear Rosemerry, your life has produced great beauty (including Finn) and truth, from which we all learn, and as brutal as this is, you will surely one day find depth of meaning and purpose that will cause you to grow. I am 94, still finding this true, And the growth is a gift earned out of all of life–not just the happy parts. Bless Finn for his role, in and outside of your life! He rests in peace. a big, warm hug! Carol
Dear Rosemerry, I have been sitting with your news for days and holding space in my heart for the terrible loss you have experienced. We only know each other because your words end up in my inbox every morning. The connection is, in some ways, fleeting and ephemeral, and yet your words often last throughout the day for me. I hope my words and the words of many more sustain you throughout these dark days. You are a special human and you had a son who was a special human. I wish for you moments of peace amidst the pain. Linda
Dear Rosemerry, I have been sitting with your news for days and holding space in my heart for the terrible loss you have experienced. We only know each other because your words end up in my inbox every morning. The connection is, in some ways, fleeting and ephemeral, and yet your words often last throughout the day for me. I hope my words and the words of many more sustain you throughout these dark days. You are a special human and you had a son who was a special human. I wish for you moments of peace amidst the pain. Linda
All my heart is going out to you right now. All my thoughts are for your eventual solace, dear Rosemerry.
My heart dropped when I learned of your son’s death, Rosemerry.
I am so sorry for your incredible loss. May the words of this sweet song bring comfort….
https://youtu.be/FMw74eZ1baY
I am so sorry for your terrible loss and wish you peace and consolation at the end of this dark tunnel. Your loss reminds me that but for luck and grace…this abyss could take many loved ones. I vow to be kinder yet, more mindful of the fragility of even the brightest comets. Much love and may peace find a way to you.
Rose
Another drop in the tsunami of love. I came to your site this evening after finding ‘Talking to my son before sleep’ in an anthology. Having savoured those sweet moments you had with him then, your news feels heartbreaking just to hear of. I join you in your prayer for peace for him, for you, for all of us…
I am heartbroken to read this. I have been worried about you since you posted about a family tragedy. Your poetry has been a daily inspiration, and you have inspired me to write a daily poem also. Thank you. I am praying for peace for your and your family.
Oh, Rosemerry. Very much love to you, and yes, Finn and you and all who suffer that particular restlessness of spirit will be in my prayers. You are a blessing. I didn’t know Finn, but I know that he was, and his memory is, a blessing to you and to all who love him.
You are surviving what to us mothers is the worst nightmare. You are surviving with your light and your love. I barely know you, but I feel for you deeply and want to be a part of the community quilt that blankets you in love and warmth. Thank you so much for sharing your update and for ending with the message that love is everything. Yes, it matters so much how we treat others and how we treat ourselves. I am sending you love through tears.
What a bright shining star he was in the dark sky. You are an amazing woman Rosemerry, your words, your heart, your soul are powerful indeed.
Know that the heart of our household goes out to you and your family. I can think of no hardship greater than the loss of a beloved child. Your words are wise and caring and I will pray for peace for all as you have suggested. I pray especially peace finds YOU and eventually will stick with you as you move through this ocean of grief that you have come upon. eve bingham, Loveland, Colorado.
Dear friend, I carry with me your sorrow, your grief, your strength and your courage, wherever I go, wherever there is a need for kindness. xo.
I am so sorry to hear this.
Sometimes words won’t do, so here is my hug.
Hey RM. Very sorry. We are all here for you.
thank you dear man, thank you. big love to you and your family
Sending love for the light that is Finn, and for you and the light that you are, Rosemerry; and for all your loved ones. And profound thankfulness for you and yours. And transatlantic hugs x
thank you so much for the hugs across the ocean–and thank you for honoring Finn’s light–a love light that I carry. I am grateful for your support–sending hugs back
No words. Just the love of a heart broken open.
Thank you, friend, thank you–oh the heart, how it opens, it opens.
I just came across this pretty much by accident, and I wanted to reach out to you to express my sincere condolences. I teach a a large public university and about a year ago one of my best student committed suicide. I went to the funeral and visited with his family and found myself wondering how they could possibly bear the pain of losing their beloved son. I was astonished by their fortitude, and I am impressed by your wisdom here. Last November my own son died of a drug overdose that we all assume was accidental, so I do know a little of the grief you must be experiencing, and I can only say that I am with you in your suffering. May God bless you.
Thank you, Scott, for writing and for sharing your own loss. My heart leans toward yours as you grieve your own beloved boy and your student. May their memories bless you. May god bless you. I wish you peace, deep peace.
I have read many of your poems, Rosemerry, especially during the pandemic. You have blessed so many of us with your words, their embodied love. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and grief. You wrote of this 10 months ago, but I know you are still healing and will be for a long long time. I hold you in my heart
thank you, Elizabeth, for this thoughtful support and encouragement–yes, the healing continues. And it is made possible, really, and I know this now more than ever, by the cradle of love that has supported me and my family. And so it is I feel it now more profoundly than ever that love is everything. Everything. Thank you for holding me in your heart. I am swirling love back to you, music woman. I listened to Gregory Orr’s Sing Me Awake on your site. It’s beautiful. His words have been so helpful for me, especially these that I found a couple months ago: “Not to make loss beautiful, but to make loss the place where beauty starts. Where the heart understands for the first time the nature of its journey.” Thank you for giving your gifts to the world, for helping the “beauty start.”
[…] a year ago I posted a message instead of a poem, explaining I needed a time away. Two weeks later I explained why. It was almost two months later I posted my son Finn’s obituary. In the last year, I have […]
Dear Rosemerry, I only know you from your beautiful words that arrive daily in my inbox. I cannot begin to tell you how much healing and comfort your poems have ushered into my heart. You see, last year I lost 3 people I held close: my beautiful 18 year old grandson just starting out on his journey into adulthood; my strong, resilient mother who gave me so much of herself; and my beloved husband of 45 years who was so much a part of me. I was swimming in a sea of grief, trying to find my way in the world. I discovered you by chance a few months ago and your words have been a balm to my soul. Your heart is so open and your words so true. I felt as if we were fellow travelers, sharing the same path. I know there must be countless other travelers on this path who have been comforted by your words while on their journey. My heart goes out to you that you no longer have your precious Finn by your side. Sometimes life just puts us on a path we would have never chosen and our role is to walk down the path as best we can and look for beauty along the way. Thank you so much for the gift of your words to us all. Even in the midst of grief, you have opened your heart and shared your journey. I have been so deeply touched by your poems. You have been a true blessing in my life. Wishing you many blessings as you continue to walk your path and shine your light. Kathy
Oh Kathy, thank you. Thank you for this beautiful response. Thank you for sharing about your grandson, your mother, your beloved husband. Yes, companion travelers on this path–we are, and we are not alone. And yes, I grieve Finn no longer beside me and notice (marvel) how he is so deeply inside me. Thank you for the blessings. I am swirling them back to you.
On August 2, 2017, I found my only sibling, my best friend and rock, dead by his own hand. Like your Finn, Charles was never at peace inside and it only got worse as he got older. He talked to me for 2 1/2 years about why he wanted to die. He had meds, therapy, and support. It didn’t touch his pain. He did the most loving thing for him—death. My heart and world shattered. All I could do for him while he lived was love him and listen to him. And all I could do after his death was love him. Nothing I could do would have saved him or helped him. So I embrace his death, his choice, with love and acceptance. I feel that in your words about Finn. We are all connected. That connection is love. It absolutely is all that matters. I look for Charles in everything and I find him everywhere and nowhere. He is always with me and my hear hears his voice though my eyes don’t see his body. Your Finn is always with you too now. We feel their love because we are filled with love for them. And deep grief comes from deep love. My heart hurts for you as you walk in the silence of deep, screaming love. Every day we lose them all over again when our eyes open. It’s a life long pain which gets easier to handle when we have given ourselves the permission to accept fully we are still grieving and still loving just as hard. Hold your Finn close to your heart. Keep your heart full of love. We will see them again. I know this as surely as I know my heart beats. I’m so sorry your heart is hurting and has a hole in it. And I’m so sorry Finn never found peace any other way. The best thing my heart heard was last year when I heard “I am healed.” And I knew my brother was whole. Your Finn will heal too. Love is everything.
Oh Laurel, thank you for this. For sharing about Charles. And your path. And the entwined paths. “still grieving and still loving just as hard,” yes. “and all we can do is love. we are all connected.”
I have also had very clear messages that Finn is not only at peace, but full with joy. I believe I understand what you are saying about your own joy in the healing of our beloveds.
With love, Rosemerry
I felt compelled to comment
Laurel, I’m getting chills, spirit bumps, and feeling so grateful for your words, and for so many words on this page!
I lost my 23 yr old daughter to suicide about a month and a half ago, Oct 2, 2022. We have been being bullied and isolated by our neighbors for years, and they are still at it, trying to force and coerce me away from Our Space of Love, links at the bottom of my comment.
Reading what you wrote made me feel like I need to reply and let you know how much relief I felt from reading that you listened and loved, yet there was nothing you could do to save his life. I don’t feel the same, yet it brings me such relief to read that you feel that way! More and more I come to the acceptance of Her choice, which I don’t think she really wanted to make, I think she couldnt stand the pain any longer, and watched me reach out for help for so long, mostly to the wrong people, and get so much victim shaming and blaming, and people telling me what to do, and not offering any actual help, or even to truly understand the situation.
There is so much we don’t talk about these days….and reading this is helping me see the power of poetry….I’ve been thinking of starting a blog, and this is helping.
I have been consumed by so much regret and wishing so badly I could go back in time and keep this from happening….and yet I can’t, so I’m searching for meaning and reasons to keep loving, and your words brought me a lot of relief just now, to help me to be with what is, to know I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.
I feel connected to Her, sometimes hear her voice, and yet also miss Her being here with me in the flesh so so so badly.
For a couple weeks after She passed, I felt and heard her so much I thought I’d like to write a blog and books one day about all the Beauty she tells me and shows me.
For the month since then my life has felt consumed with trying to survive the physical world, navigate wolves in sheep’s clothing, and stay alive.
Reading all this is helping me feel better about relaxing, writing, and cradling myself in the Love I feel from My darling daughter, and our Truly Loving Parents, Mother Earth and Great Spirit.
She was an incredibly talented and insightful artist and quite organized online, she made such uplifting art as a legacy for Love for others! I hope you enjoy it
https://www.liinks.co/inkyArcana
Thank you so much Rosemerry, and all other commenters, for your words as well!
Thank you so much for sharing your Love and grief with us, and making this page where we can come together and learn from each other! I’ve been needing this so much and am so grateful for being sent the link to this page!
Im very alone in this journey, feeling surrounded by wolves in sheep’s clothing/cluster B’s and searching for support in transitioning my life, through words and actions, into what I’ve dreamed of for years and feel is my life’s mission, co-creating a Sanctuary of Sanity for Survivors and Sust’āinability, by rescuing Our Space of Love from these bullies, or moving somewhere else and starting over.
Since I’ve been feeling so tricked, and betrayed by the ladies who initially said they would like to help me, I knew I needed to find real support, and I’ve been praying for it, and connecting with my daughters Spirit, and she brings me comfort, and Peace. She chose the name Irene, because Irene was the Goddess of Peace.
Yesterday I reached out to some people from a group I was attending before my daughters death, and they have been very supportive, and one of them sent me a link to this page!
Reading this page has been such a profound gift, balm to my Soul, much needed medicine for my heart.
I created a group on FB that’s public so that her friends online could post art and memories of my daughter. You can find it by searching Facebook for InkyArcana’s creator has passed
Please contact me if you, or someone you know, would like to participate in co-creating a Sanctuary of Sanity for Survivors and Sust’āinability, starting online, here in Hawai’i, or else where. I’m open to all options.
I need help finding the wonderful people I know are out there who would Love to come care for Our Space of Love and live in harmony with Nature.
It would be so helpful to find someone who would buy half our land, or all, or trade land, so I can get away for a while. A good lawyer, or skilled negotiator would be really helpful!
The bullying from our neighbors wouldn’t effect most people as it has us, because of our experiences with them over the past ten years.
It’s beautiful land abundant in avocados, jackfruit, and many many other organically cared for trees and plants.
I’m praying someone kind, and financially well off, would buy it and pay someone to live here and care for the land, and have it as a vacation home. Also praying for the people who might want to invest, or who don’t have money, and would like to live in and take care of Our Space of Love and eat from the land, and keep cultivating Love.
I’m open to anything that brings Love and more Peace into my life during this challenging time.
Swap
https://honolulu.craigslist.org/big/swp/d/pahoa-unique-fairyland-sustainable/7549991240.html
For sale, owner financing available
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/14-5128-Puua-Rd-Pahoa-HI-96778/2061913950_zpid/
If you read this far, thank you, I deeply appreciate all the caring, empathetic human beings who are choosing to stay alive and be helpful during this very challenging transition time on our dear Mother Earth! Thank You!
You are Loved
and
surrounded
in the Whirling Rainbow of Peace
https://youtu.be/l0tQvRtIyzE
oh friend–my heart opens to you and your family as you meet not only the death of your daughter but also the cruelty humans are capable of. Such a beautiful vision you have for creating sanctuary. I wish you grace as you move forward with your vision, peace as you move forward with your grief.