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Posts Tagged ‘self talk’

Self Talk

 

 

 

Even after I turn off the radio

there is a red voice below my gut

that repeats, “You should be very afraid.”

 

Out the passenger window

I see three elk bedded down

in the snow beneath a spruce,

 

and then I am past them,

looking up valley at the mountains

where the wind blows the snow

 

in long white curls off the peaks.

I want to return, I think,

to a different chapter—

 

but I don’t believe it.

There are no fewer opportunities

now to fall in love,

 

and there are a whole lot more

chances to be of service.

I tell myself I was born

 

for exactly this life—

born to see the frosted cottonwood trees

on the valley floor

 

flood with the low light of morning,

born to meet the fear in my gut

and carry it with me to do brave and beautiful things.

 

 

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not once
did I think of you
okay, once

*

Because the brain
works in frames
I tell myself
I will not think
about the railroad stake
you pounded in the wall.
Oh. Too late.

*

Relax, relax,
I tell myself. lalalala
lalalalalalalala
I can’t hear you,
says my inner Rottweiler.

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A Little Self Talk on a Snowy Evening

You are surely lost.
When is the last time
you knew the way home?
Was it back at that gas station
where you bought the chips
before you pulled out into the night?
Though even then the snow
was hurling its white fists into your lights.
But that was before your heart started
leaping like a startled deer into the
oncoming lane of your throat.
Oh darling, who are you kidding.
You were already lost even then.
Sure you could have pointed
to a dot on the map and said,
Exit 179, Here I am. But that
is just the game we play.
Something to satisfy our jumpy brains.
You have been lost since the day
you first could say your name,
the moment you knew yourself
as other, as separate, as something
that could be lost. Sometimes,
like now, when you think you
don’t know where you are,
see if you can lose a little more.
Your certainty. Your words. Your ideas.
Your shame. And maybe then,
off the map, out of hope, exposed
and unknowing, maybe that
is home.

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