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Posts Tagged ‘change’

Day One

 

 

 

“You know,” says the old man,

“all those corny old sayings are true.”

 

We are seaside in Bristol at a playground.

My children squeal and chase each other

 

and I am lost in global thoughts of should and should not,

forgiveness and pride, and who did what

 

first to whom, and the old man does two pull ups

on the monkey bars. His dress shoes and red socks

 

dangle beneath him as he lifts and drops, lifts

and drops. Mid-seventies, I guess.

 

“You can do it, too,” he says, smiling at me.

“No,” I say, “I can’t do it.”

 

“Today,” he says, “you just hang and pull.

You might not think you move at all.

 

Then, tomorrow, you’ll be a little higher.

In five days, your chin will be up at the bar.”

 

Sometimes we guard ourselves with an armor of no,

but hiding inside is a glimmer of yes that,

 

given any encouragement at all, will grow

into a willingness to be vulnerable.

 

“Okay,” I say, “I will try it.”

I stand beneath the bars, and raise

 

my arms and grip the metal and pull.

Nothing happens. “First,” he says,

 

“you have to believe you can do it.”

I fight to not roll my eyes, but

 

I tense my arms again and try,

and I move up the slightest bit.

 

He smiles. “You know what they say,

before you can take the second step

 

you have to take the first.” Again,

I pull up and feel myself lift,

perhaps an inch. For this moment,

 

I almost believe anything could happen, given time.

Like a woman who could not lift her own weight

 

could do so. And a nation that would not forgive

could love. And one stranger with a smile

 

and some old wisdom could open the minds

of the people he meets, one pull up at a time.

 

 

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For every no I said to you,
I take it back and give you
in its place a bouquet of yesses.

The room is full of bouquets,
blossoms on every surface,
a blush riot of pinks and reds and lavenders,

even here inside of me,
a whole field of wildflowers
open and nod.

Was there really so much refusal?
Oh the unfolding perfume,
it dissolves everything I thought I knew.

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Take off your hat. Take off
your smile. Take off anything
you put on to impress me.
Bring me your eyes. Bring me
your Sunday morning. Bring me your
open hands. Let us sit. It does
not matter much if we speak
or do not speak. What is there,
really, that must be said?
Outside the snow is melting.
We both know it will come again.
Outside whatever birds are still here
are not moving from tree to tree.
There is nothing moving, it seems,
but we both know that the world
is made of change. Give me
your weight. Give me your
light. Give me your fear
and your grays and your yes.
And here, here is my sunrise.
Here is my spiral. Here is my apple
tree, my brittle bones, my
deepest well, my empty glass.

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It is not so easy to change.
Consider the sunflower you dug yesterday
from one crowded corner of the garden
and moved to another more open space.
How you dug all around it to keep the roots
intact. You pre-watered the new hole.
You told it what would happen. You held
the stem firmly and pulled with great care.
But it didn’t matter, all these precautions.
The sunflower wilted, bent double, leaves
flagged. So why should you not expect
the same when you make a great change
in yourself. It doesn’t matter that the end
result makes more sense or seems healthier.
Change is hard. Though you tell yourself
it will be okay. Though you tug at your own roots
with great care. Here you are, bent double,
dreams flagging, looking dead or close to dead.
And that sunflower, darned if it isn’t on the edge of bloom
even right now outside the window.
It doesn’t always go that way.
But sometimes a gray sky comes along
at just the right time to slow everything down
and damn if those petals aren’t just about
to come up gold.

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Whatever It Is

Any firecracker
could tell you
it is not meant
to last. A squeal,
a whistle, a smear
of light, shimmer
and bang and pop.
And then it is over.
It’s one of those things
we don’t want
to talk about. Rather
to believe it goes
on and on, that our
children will always
be happy and young
and we will be happy
and young-ish, too,
and perpetually falling
in love. Yes, of course,
I will hush. We do not
need to speak of these
things—not now while
the band is playing
that song we like to hum,
not now while we can still
write our names
on the night with sparklers
and for a moment the letters
hang in the air, their patterns
imprinted on our eyes
long after we close them.

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Not So Much a Question

What will it take to love you.
Beside the river, a white hood

of snow is draped on the dark gray rocks.
It melts in the afternoon sun.

What does this have to do with love.
I watch the snow as it disappears.

Even after ten minutes, it is too slow a process
to notice anything has changed.

What is there to say. There is
cold. There is warmth. There is

melting. And thirst. Beside me, an ouzel
bobs and bathes in the cold, cold waves.

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In the loss
is a branch
with a brittle
stem
where an old
fruit hangs
rust-colored
and dried
beside
a tight cluster
of rose-tipped buds
where something
fragile
and white
is just
beginning
to form.

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By the Rules

An angel of arrows,
a box of bubbles,
a cauldron of cradles,
a danger of doubles.
Everything ends
and forever fails.
Gold unglitters
and hangmen hail.
I am illusion
and joy is jive,
kisses are kismet
but luck is live.
More is madness.
None is none.
Om is the omen
and pomes are puns.
Questions go quantum.
Ravens rhapsodize.
Schisms go soaring
and tongues tantalize.
Ugh. We’re unbearable,
voiceless and vile.
We’re wonderless, weary,
extorted, exiled.
Years become yesterday.
No zeal. No zest.
Time to try a new spin
on the old alphabet.

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something changing

shadows inside
shadows inside (shh, tiptoe)
shadows that was
how many thousand
shadows ago

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Letter to F. C.

I had not known
to call the rabbit brush
chamisa. I wonder now how
this might have changed things,
knowing how the right name
can sometimes soften a woman.
It would be harder to say the word as a curse,
chamisa, chamisa. Today it is easy to enjoy
the way it hums in the center,
then slips off the lips at the end.

And could the tall, fragrant brush have
slipped like those syllables through my
weeding hands? All those years of ripping it up.
I laugh about it now, how I thought I needed an enemy.
And why? Some sense of hierarchy?
Some sense of control?

You are right to notice how I have built
a new kind of shrine, how sadness has
done what sadness does, made me
more open to praising how many shades of gray
are at play in a single moment. It is easier to see them
when I am not so distracted by gold and by blue.

But I have no need to weed out the sadness
as I surely tried to years ago. Perhaps
because I gave it a softer name. Surrender.
Surrender
. It rolls around in the back of the mouth
before I swallow the sound. It is beautiful growing
out there in the field where before I only
could tolerate bright mounds of happinesses.

I smile that you say I am still building. I like to say
that I am unbuilding whatever it is I think I know.
But that, of course, is just a new way of knowing,
a new way of building. I had to sleep with the words before I knew
how true they were. Fortress or cathedral, you say.
I say, sometimes I hang up a welcome sign
and then, quickly, quietly, close the iron gate.

I would like to build a church to brokenness,
though perhaps brokenness is just another word
for whole. They are equally lovely to say,
one cracking open in the center,
one chiming with ohm.

Already I have said too much. What I wanted to say
was thank you. For showing me what I could not see.
For the call to listen to my heart. And for this line,
the dignity of consequences. I am learning
to feel the blessings, which is, perhaps,
just a beautiful word for “what is.”
Blessings. Blessings. Among many, you
are one of the easiest to see.

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While Not Sleeping

All night the river
touched my body,
not with its long dark
tongues of chill but with
its thousand thousand
thousand audible waves
all lapping without stopping
rearranging me. Perhaps it
is always this way. Perhaps
we are always being
changed, only we are too busy
to notice it. In the morning mirror
I looked the same, but I knew
different. Perhaps you
have felt it, too, this
absence moving through,
the space it leaves
in its wake.

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Not only all around us
are the leaves letting go,
but inside us, too, so much
is falling. All those fluttersome
dreams we thought would last
forever. Imagine that. There
was a time we believed
that summer would never end.
We truly believed it. No one
could have convinced us then
of a thing called autumn.
And here it is. For hours
today I could have grieved
the leaves as they released—
gold and more gold and innumerable
shades of brown. But I did not.
Funny how the world goes on
despite all this falling. Funny
how beautiful it is to me now,
the empty branches, the adamant wind, the dank
scent of the world as it changes.

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Our Names Here

The way the sky
changes in the morning,

so swiftly from rose billow
to long gray brush strokes,

that is the way we love.
One moment we think

we know something—a contour,
a hue, a silhouette. We say,

I love this. We say it fiercely
or tenderly, it doesn’t much matter,

it changes. There is no sadness
in this, though we weave sadness

out of our longing. Blush, it will come
again, only different, a gift

offered and offered, endlessly.
Oh fools who think we prefer

it one way or another, when
at every moment the sky

comes alive for us, even in
darkness, sweet sweet darkness,

even in whatever shade
and shape we see right now.

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Things Change Haiku

 

but it was written

in stone, said the woman

to the sand 

 

 

 

  

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Just this morning
the leaves were green

in this stand of aspen
that now flash gold—

it happens that fast,
though of course

there is nothing
quick about it.

It took a whole season
to grow the leaf

and nurture it into
brilliance. And

it took decades
to grow the tree that grew

the leaf. And what
of evolution? Oh patience.

Perhaps this is why
on the woman who’s finally learning

how to sit still beside the leaves
there’s a bit of salt water

sliding down her skin.

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She did not know how
to articulate the existential risks
in a world of immortals, but

she did know she wanted
hot chocolate. She did know
the white lights strung across Larimer Street

reminded her of, well, she didn’t quite know what,
but she liked them, she liked them tonight
with the cup of hot chocolate (too much milk

and not enough cayenne) warm in her hands.
Scent of exhaust and urine and trash like the city
always has in the summer. And the sound of a man

plunking away on his guitar, his voice
not perhaps what she had hoped, but he was
after all singing. Yes, she though, if I were

alive forever, I would sing. And kiss. And sleep.
She could not say what was changing, but
she knew that it was, that it had been changing

since yesterday, since early last year, since her birth, since before that.
“It’s alright,” she said, to no one, “It’s alright if
tonight we do nothing,.” But something

was already happening, It had something
to do with emptiness. It had something
to do with night. Her shoes were lost

beneath the street. She knew she could not keep
the dawn from coming.
She didn’t even try.

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That Was the Day

I ran for it, her leg,
and clung to the green plaid
of her pants while she flipped

through boy’s shirts on a circular rack.
I’d been hiding beneath them.
Why did she not right away tell me

but let me, how much later,
look up to see the glasses,
the perfect blonde hair,

the whole Kmart kaleidoscoping
around the woman not at all
my mom. The shirts,

their sleeves hung so empty by.
I was found in the toothpaste aisle.
Perhaps I looked unchanged,

but that was the day I knew
I could lose her, my mother.
I followed her past the blue lights

to the checkout, still crying, no longer
the same girl who walked into the store,
not letting go of her hand.

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not right away
but at some point
it happened,
this barren, sterile field
began, so many shades, to bloom

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I tell myself
there will be more light
still I don’t like it
this scent of old wood splintering
as the roof blows apart

*

my life packed
in boxes–the urge
to lose them

*

the orchards in us
not enough hands
to harvest all this ripeness

*

one heron
in great blue wings he gathers
the whole world

*

I thought I knew
who I was, then the bars
bent enough
I could slip outside of her
how many bars don’t I see?

*

sky so pink
I make of myself
an offering

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Beside the river
we knelt in rocks
to watch the chrysalis—

unmoving hardened skin
attached to a slender
willow spike, black bits

of excrement scattered below—
and though the metamorphosis
is slow, certainly not

something done by dinnertime,
for ten minutes we crouched around
the crusty case and wondered

at the fuse, the force,
the miracle happening inside.
Was whatever was in there

even alive? I could not help
but think of how our bodies
look from day to day the same,

but inside our skin, soft as it is,
we’re being slowly, miraculously,
even now rearranged.

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